Rediscovering Me

Financial things they are a'changin'.

2011-06-06T19:46:00.000-04:00

This post is mostly about money, because we've spent the last few weeks focusing on streamlining our finances. In February I began working as a substitute at a nearby preschool. I was meant to sub only until a permanent position opened up; it opened up the same week that the director was no longer allowed to hire, because her family had to move to the Northeast somewhere. The new director gave the position to someone else last week, so I'm trying to decide where I'm heading next. I'm still subbing there, since it's very close to home and I know the children, but hope to find something else as well.

In the meantime, we added my income since February to our tax refund and paid off the remainder of our car loan as a celebration of our 12th anniversary. For one month, according to the Dave Ramsey plan, we are debt free!! Next month, unfortunately, The Government begins collecting on my school loans. Ah, well... at least a small taste of freedom will be motivational.

We also discovered Virgin Mobile, which is (so far) doing well for us. We switched from Sprint's $80 bill for two phones with only talk, and joined Virgin Mobile's cheap plans with everything (mine is $25 for 300 talk minutes and unlimited everything else, Lanse chose the $40 for 400(?) minutes). I figured out how to run Skype on it, saving me a load of minutes, since most of the people I talk to regularly have Skype as well. We used my most recent paycheck on buying the smart phones.

The last couple of days have been spent installing spiffy apps and texting like mad. (Still waiting to see if my text to Scotland made it.) We also drove to church using the GPS app, just for fun. So far my favorite apps are "Loot" budgeting software with additional add-on, and "Out of Milk", a shopping list/pantry organizer app with bar code scanner. If you ever doubted that I was a nerd, there's proof. I also have a Bible app with three translations on the phone and a plethora of more available through the web. And yes, I have Angry Birds. Sigh.

Next I'm hoping to find a media - DVD and books - cataloger that uses a bar code scanner. Should be fun!

The garden today

2011-04-28T12:47:00.000-04:00

And we have foliage! So far I'm very happy with the garden, except that it ended up being too small. The previous post showed where I planted everything, and it turned out that the nasturtium were not a trailing variety and I missed some thinning of the marigolds, so the carrots weren't getting any sun. So I moved some of each today in hopes that the carrots will fare better. We have blossoms on the tomatoes, and I've seen a bumblebee this year so hopefully they'll be fertilized. Last year we got blossoms and no tomatoes, so we'll see what happens. I may end up having to go out there with a paintbrush, but I'm hoping not.

Our wonderful neighbor Maggie brought me cherry tomatoes, and I have six cherry trees that need to go in the ground around the back yard, but for the moment I moved the one that has the most cherries on it into the garden house so maybe we'll be able to eat them. Kristianna and Charlie helped me taste test the first strawberries last week, so now I just have to fight the slugs. Nasty critters. So after adding the small 'matos and the raspberry (bottom left inside), the garden house is very full. Some blueberries have dropped the flowers and started becoming berries, so that should be tasty soon!

The mint has totally taken off and filled the pot; I'm not a fan of mint tea, so I need to figure out what else I can do with it. If only I had a lime tree, I'd be set for doctoring up my mojitos. The thyme and basil have started coming up but aren't tall enough yet to taste them. Soon, I hope. And the only other change to the drawing in the last post was that the corner edemame pot became miniature sunflowers instead, and they're coming up nicely. The edemame is also coming up well, though it's being eaten by a voracious insect of some kind. I need to find my pepper spray. The green bean and green onion seeds from last year appear to be completely dead, but at least I have onions from last year becoming enormous, and beans are cheap if I decide I need them. I'm also contemplating a leaf or romaine lettuce, but I'll only plant that if I get my watering system working, since they need to be well watered.

Last week I got the watering system all set up and got all the spray nozzles on the tubing at the right places, and then realized I forgot to flush the line. Clogged line = clogged nozzles, and I only have exactly as many as I need, so I went back to pull them off again... and the warm rubber tubing had snuggled in nicely. When it's not so wet out (we've had a lot of rain) I'll have to go back out with a pliers and get it all finished.

Well, I was going to leave you with two more pix, but Blogger's having a fit. I guess you'll have to wait!

Dipping into the bucket list

2011-04-06T12:31:00.000-04:00

I am so proud of my husband, who is steadily knocking things off his bucket list. Last week Triple Ace Games released the new game, Wonderland No More, for which my husband is a co-author. I am so amazingly proud of him! The game is a role playing game based on Alice in Wonderland, but set in the future after Alice has come and gone. Thanks to Kevin and Jordan, the other co-authors, for including my dearest in this great creation.

Here he is at an impromptu book signing at Dragonsnack Games:

Garden Extravaganza

2011-03-16T17:20:00.003-04:00

One fabulous thing about living in the south is that we can start gardening so much earlier than everywhere else. There's an online garden thing called ezgarden that had a free 15 days (after that we pay) but it looks interesting. You tell it your planting zone (I'm in 8A), what kind of plants you want and how many servings per week on it, do layout on your garden space, and then it calculates a schedule and tells you what to do when on a calendar. For my needs, it had me starting seedlings the first week of January, so that tells you something.

Last year's (and years before that) problem was that we'd grow things and the local critters would gnaw on them before we got a chance to harvest. Last year we only got a total of three tomatoes that we could eat... and that was with three whole plants! So this year - faced with boredom, great weather, a pile of scrap lumber, and angst - I built a structure and covered it in bird netting to keep out the critters. It is 4 feet deep by 7 1/2 feet wide by 4 feet tall, just great for me. I can reach the top, and Lanse can fit okay enough crouching to still be able to run out and grab something for me later on. Today I put the final nail in the door, attached the hinges with my me-sized power screwdriver, and voila! It is finished!

Here's a layout of what I've got in seedlings and somewhere in the mail. I need to make one more trip to the dirt store for some organic soil, and when that's in place I can finish setting up the watering system I bought last fall and never finished. It's a vacation timer system, but I intend to use it when I'm home to help combat the extreme summer heat. As soon as the plumbing is set, I can get the seedlings in the ground, as most of them are about to outgrow their toilet paper tubes.

I'm so excited! This year hopefully we'll get to eat a lot more of our own homegrown produce.*

* Yes, I realize that lilacs aren't food, but the fauna thinks it is because it's still small, so I'm keeping it in here as long as it'll fit.

Science Fiction God

2011-02-11T22:44:00.000-05:00

I'm pretty sure that I've written about this idea before, but it continues to amaze me how much fiction informs how we think about faith. Science fiction and fantasy are all about making things happen that couldn't possibly happen, making the impossible merely improbable, either by magic or the wonderous advances of humanity. It's all about defining or explaining miracles, more or less, putting words and shapes and pictures and stories to the thing. In many of Terry Pratchett's novels, the Story is alive; it can itself be the motivating force to actions, and characters can understand how to act and what (loosely) to expect if they can figure out which Story they're living in. The stories we read give us a framework for understanding, and a new set of language in which to try to comprehend the world.

We've been watching a lot of Doctor Who lately. While I can't remember the exact quote, I asked Lanse a question about the plot and he said something along the lines of, "It shouldn't be this hard to explain a temporal paradox before breakfast." That's when it hit me. In this series, we see exactly how a person can be in two places at once. We see how time can be rewritten, given the ability to move back and forth in it, and the devastation that can occur when it's done badly. We can watch and try to comprehend the idea of things happening that absolutely can not happen, or two opposite things happening simultaneously because time is being rewired somehow. We are given the chance to understand, to wrap our brain around words like "temporal paradox" and start to believe them.

We're given the ability to start to understand how God can be in heaven, while watching his Son come into the world, and sending His Spirit to scholars in the East, while still being the same single being at the same moment. We can begin to comprehend being everywhere at once, when time doesn't hold you, and how sometimes the bad things happen to us because there's no other way to get through to us. Perhaps we can start to really look and listen to the little voice He gives us that tells us to remember what He said, because remembering is the important part that will bring hope and peace to the world. And we can see how a being with all this power, who has gone through excruciating love and pain and loss, losing - by choice - the people he loved the most, can still come back time and again to the broken people on Earth, because of who we are and who we can be.

I don't really watch much science fiction now beyond Doctor Who, so I can't speak on the whole genre. But I'm grateful for the opportunity to have this new language and these stories to help me better grasp a small fraction of what my God has done for me. I wonder what I'll learn this coming season.

Stewardship of the Earth

2011-01-22T16:35:00.000-05:00

I just finished reading Green Like God, an exploration of how God feels about creation and our responsibilities as found in the Bible. While it does cover environmental topics and provides facts and figures for how many of our choices destroy the Earth, it really is focused on the idea that we should care for ecology because God found it good, graced it with His presence in Christ, and put us here to take care of it. It was extremely convincing, and very insightful regarding the nature of God, pointing out different angles of verses and original languages that I hadn't noticed before.

Anyway, I enjoyed it, and recommend it, and don't know what impact it will eventually have on my bank account, as I spent the last two hours browsing farm co-ops, free range chicken eggs, and prices on the shares of local cattle. I'm also contemplating line-drying and unplugging stuff to save on power use, and composting and focusing more on the garden this year (I always say that!). Some day I want to be able to afford a proper rain barrel and some solar panels, but I think that's a long way off. Lanse is going to be so annoyed with me wanting to go off and make lifestyle changes again. We'll see how it works out.

Keeping Busy

2011-01-21T11:14:00.000-05:00

Despite the claim I just made that I'm relaxing, I keep getting up to accomplish things. Do you think that foster/adopting mothers nest? It kind of feels like that's what I'm doing. A few days ago I cleaned and organized the kid's room far beyond what was necessary for the DSS meeting, sorting out the closet and the toys and getting an idea of what all we have in there. A couple of weeks ago I had also sorted and binned all the baby clothes we have. A few days ago I organized our movie collection and made a list of all of them (189, I believe, not including the ones copied from TV onto VHS) in a sortable spreadsheet. Not related to the kids, but it was a rather obsessive organizing moment.

Yesterday I emptied and cleaned and reorganized the upstairs closet, which had become a dumping ground for things we would put in storage, but didn't want to put in the attic because of the southern heat. Now it looks tidy and some things did end up in the attic for now; but except for the large boxes of CDs and bringing things downstairs (Thanks, Lanse, for helping!), I did all the work myself, hauling things around. Totally not like me, but I had a good time. Then I spent the evening at the Eastvolds where I carried Juliana around (LOVE the baby!!). I'm not complaining in the least - I'd totally do it again - but I'd forgotten about the stuff-hauling, and now my lower back is a bit unhappy. Ah, well.

We have a project in mind to cover the one tall wall in the attic so that we can put shelving in and not have fiberglass insulation getting into our things. It'll be about $60 for the wall part of the project, which isn't bad, so say about $100 if you add in the shelving. But it'll mean emptying the stuff out of the attic, which is NOT a fun idea right now. We might do it anyway though, we really need the ability to organize.

Today I need to finish writing the 10 page autobiography for the foster clearance, which must be hand-written and made the arthritis in my fingers flare up really badly. I got 7 pages done on Wednesday before my finger locked up. I think I need to get back into playing piano purely for therapeutic purposes. Then I need to organize paperwork and set up a system of record keeping for the kids, a separate binder for finance records, observation sheets, that sort of thing. For that, we need to replace our printer ink. I guess shopping is in the plans now too.

I've also been reading a bit obsessively, which is fun. Hmmm... Lanse rightly pointed out that computer games eat my brain, another way of pointing out my obsessiveness. Maybe I'm just feeling out of control of life, going to obsessive detail when I do things? In any case, I appear to have controlled my day to be: complete one project, read one book, play one game until I get sick of it, and interact with people. I've also been getting an evening movie in most nights this week, which is nice because it's snuggle time with the cats. Since the busy crazy time last month, they both curl up on me if I sit still in the evening, and we just love on each other. I say that accounts for a relatively healthy and balanced day; not too much to do, and not too little, though I do feel I'm still sitting around the house a lot.

I'm also a few days late on the budget, which is what happens when you can't print anything. I can put it together, but the routine we had is thrown off, and that doesn't help the stress levels any. Time to figure out what we can afford to do and what we can't this month.

Let's see... what else? I have a couple things to finish up for school yet, some letters to write to folks who helped me out - which need printer ink to send - and I have to take my financial aid exit interview thing. I was notified that the federal government is moving all my loans to one location and (probably) consolidating them, which annoys me, but will make it much easier to track. They used to be held by three different places with different websites and logins. Now I just have to figure out where they are and we can see what the status is.

I don't remember if I said or not, but the handbook on graduation said that degree conferral was applied at the end of the 12 week term, and it takes up to 12 weeks for the diploma to arrive in the mail. Well, apparently someone's really on top of things, because I got email that my degree was conferred on Wednesday (three days after my last course, not the end of the 12 week term) and that it will take 2-4 weeks for my diploma to arrive. So much quicker than expected! I'm psyched!

Oh, it was also my birthday last weekend. I'm 34 now. Every year I look at myself in the mirror and go, "Oh crap. I'm an adult." And then I choose something I'm going to be very adult about (who needs New Year's Resolutions when your birthday's in January?). Last year it was washing my face every day, and I failed pretty quickly, because I'm lazy and don't like getting wet. This year it's flossing, and I've gone a whole week so far. I didn't floss last night because we're using those disposable Y-flosser things, and Lanse has the package in his bathroom, and I was tired enough I didn't want to go get a new one since my supply ran out. But at least I still feel bad about it! A package of flossers for me is also on our shopping list. They say three weeks makes a habit, so hopefully I'll be able to mindlessly floss every day once the kids arrive and I'm fully distracted.

Forgotten update

2011-01-21T10:39:00.000-05:00

For anyone who may only be keeping up with us through this blog (though I don't think there really is anyone, but just in case) I realized I forgot to update from three posts ago.

The week before Christmas our cat Colin went off to chase mice in our heavenly mansion. I trust he'll keep it clean and cozy for us until we need it.

Also, there have been updates on the adoption blog, which you can find on the link at the top of the page.

Christmas was a mixed bag; it was good to see relatives, but it was a really stressful point in my life so it got a bit difficult at times. Mostly I'm grateful to have gotten settled back into a post-holiday, and even post-sick-cat, routine. We think our other two cats have settled into their new routine and hierarchy, and it's much more relaxed around the house now. Since school's done, and the social worker was extremely optimistic, I'm allowing myself to use a couple weeks to recharge and rest before children arrive. I do need to set myself a 'time to get back at it' date, though, just in case it takes longer than expected.

Finished!

2011-01-19T15:48:00.000-05:00

Well, I've done it. I've graduated! This morning I received the email stating that my degree has been conferred, and my diploma will be received through the mail in 2-4 weeks. I am now officially in possession of a Bachelors of Science in Child Development with a specialization in Preschool. Anyone have any kids for me to teach?

Many, many thanks to my wonderful husband for your encouragement and support and excitement when applicable, to my enrollment advisor Scott for enrolling me, to the accommodating directors of local preschools who let me observe in their classrooms, to my wonderful friends who have kids who let me observe in their homes, and to all my other friends as well for being supportive and caring about my future. And finally, though first of all really, thanks God for arranging my life to make this work. THANK YOU.

And now on to bigger and... well... different things!

The habit of feeling

2011-01-06T12:10:00.000-05:00

I'm now in my final countdown for school. My final day of class, which they count as my official graduation date, is a week from Sunday. For this week's homework, I did three different self-analysis worksheets to determine my level of skill in a wide range of teacher-related areas so that I can develop my career plan.

While working through the questions, (most of which didn't apply because I need to be currently working in a classroom in order to answer them,) I came across this statement: "Becoming a Professional: I identify with and conduct myself as a member of the early childhood education profession." My immediate response was, "I'm sorry, I'm a what?"

Twelve years ago I failed to complete my college education. Two years later I fell into a part-time position in an elementary school, and my first teaching semester was a disaster by many accounts. A few years of administrative assisting and I found myself once again back in the classroom, but this time it was challenging and exciting and working with the children filled me with joy.

But I always knew that I didn't have any training. I had three years of college English, so I knew I could teach beginning reading and writing. I have an instinct for children's needs and fun ways to teach things like math and science - if we toss out the curriculum - but I knew that I was leaving out important things and truly feel that I was one major player in the way the school ended. Had I focused and prioritized, had the uncomfortable conversations, and told the whole truth regardless of the discomfort it would cause others, we may have pulled through. I described myself as a teacher, but I knew I was lying as surely as we know the sun has risen even when it's storming. I was just saying it to make myself feel better, to rationalize the heart and soul and sweat and tears that went into that job. Because if I couldn't say I was a teacher, the other terms that applied weren't at all complimentary.

That job ended when Lanse's did, and we moved here, where I tried to explain to potential employers that I was a teacher, but not really, but sort of. Tried to cover my internalized incompetence with the words "apprentice" and "teamwork". In the end, it was unanimous: I have applicable skills, and lots of potential, but I don't have my degree. I'm not really a teacher. Sorry. Best of luck.

So I went back to school. And now, after 12 years of feeling incompetent, I will be allowed - encouraged - to be a professional teacher, seen from every angle. Yet, I can't see it. Feeling incompetent has become a habit that I can't seem to drop. Me? Capable? From a science-fiction perspective, I imagine it's like standing on another planet vastly different from ours and being hit anew with the shock every three minutes or so, thrilled and excited with the scenery but desperately confident (and terrified) that you'll wake up any second now. It would require the kind of internal change that, right now, I can't even fathom. To live in the habit of feeling confident and capable is as foreign to me as the scenery on that far off planet.

Rumor tells that habits can be broken. Someone, somewhere, stated that it takes only three weeks of focused attention to the habit-replacement before it sticks. So I guess that by the end of January I need to somehow adopt the habit of feeling capable. Somehow I need to change my mind, so that I can change my answers from "Needs Improvement" to "Highly Accomplished".

Aside from turning my thoughts inward and smacking those negative thoughts down a hundred times a minute for three weeks - or having a real job doing these things - I really don't know how to do it.

Transition time again

2010-12-10T11:56:00.000-05:00

Another major transition point is on the horizon. We can see it, though there's some stuff along the road that we need to get through before riding off into its sunset.

Transitions annoy me because each time they unsettle me more than the last time, while simultaneously exciting me about new potentials. They exhaust me, fill me with fear, and fill me with joyful anticipation and the ability to satisfy my logical self in planning and organization, though this time I think I'm leaning more heavily on the fear side simply because I can't visualize what's coming next. Less possible planning equals less overall excitement.

Some of these transitions are not pleasant. Our cat, Colin, is still ill and will not recover, though he's soldiering on very well... until this past week, when he started having major problems with one of his teeth. It's falling out, but not pleasantly and with lots of blood, causing him to claw at his face and go a bit insane on occasion. We know it hurts because he started biting us today (firmly, while not breaking the skin) to let us know he wasn't happy. We will be taking him in to the vet this afternoon, but since he's ill and on meds we don't know if he's going to make it through the dental, for which they will probably have to sedate him. So either this transition will happen tonight, or he'll make it through the dental and the transition will continue slowly over the next month or two. Either way, we're trying to keep up with the emotional adjustments.

Some of these transitions are exciting and potentially happy, though also somewhat apprehensive. We received our letter stating that our home study is approved and cleared and we can start the search (again). Our social worker will be (date unknown) sending it on to the county foster care office for their part of the drama, but we're that much closer. Once they're done with it and we know what else we need to do, we'll begin being parents. Theoretically. We're collecting up whatever supplies we can find; thankfully, a lot of our friends have children this age and have been giving us some things their child has grown out of, so we've got a good start. Many foster kids may come here with just what they're wearing, and will take with them anything we give them, so we'll be needing pretty consistent restocking of baby and toddler clothes. We're hoping to go with cloth diapers and mostly homemade baby food (though we're not quite as sold on that one) so it'll basically be the clothes and toothbrushes we'll have to keep replacing. (If you feel led to donate your gently worn baby stuff to a worthy cause, feel free!)

Finally, I've begun my final class for school. My graduation day is officially the last day of class, though commencement is in July, and that last day of class is the day after my 34th birthday. (Talk about another transition. I feel old!) My course right now is a process of summarizing the last three years, researching a variety of occupations I could chose with this degree, and writing a resume and cover letter for some of them. In other words, this six-week course is mostly a focus on 'what are you going to do next?' Since that's completely dependent on what happens with the foster care, and so far "Foster Parent" isn't a paid occupation available to research, I'm having a lot of emotional upheaval already in the first week. I've gone back to school to actually learn and become a better teacher and person. I get extremely frustrated when my schoolwork can't be applied to my real life, and so I try to find ways to be honest and make it real even when it's a stretch. In this case I'll have to either consider the possibility I will not be a parent OR that I will not have a career, OR make the decision to completely BS this class. None of those sit well with me. And I'm still firmly stuck in the fact that if for some reason there are no children to place with us come January, I'll have a degree that I won't feel safe getting a full-time job with in case we do get a child, and I'll have no idea what the immediate future holds. In other words, all those times we get the question "Where do you see yourself in five years?" is really boiling down to the fact that I can't see where I'll be in two months, and that is really extremely unsettling. It's kind of strange having an exact date for it, too... "On January 17, 2011, I will wake up to a completely new life, and I have no idea what it is." Weird.

So... it's transition time. I think maybe I need to start creating a Plan C so I don't go insane. For now, though, I think I'll go write a paper and get this show on the road.

The arts in education

2010-11-09T15:38:00.000-05:00

Somewhere I have a blog wherein I have occasionally posted thoughts I've written for school. Some day I'll figure out where it is and combine everything into something more functional. Until then, I felt that this topic brought up enough emotional heat that I'd just share it with the rest of you!

Definition: "The Arts" in my textbook includes visual arts (painting, sculpting, etc.), music, movement, dance, and theatre.

The assignment: "What responsibility, if any, do early childhood professionals have to advocate for arts education in a community’s public schools? Explain your views. Then choose one area of the arts and describe an argument you would use to make a case for a visual arts, music education, or creative movement program for children of all ages."

This subject is one in which I struggle to productively structure my thoughts because it simply seems too obvious. As educators we must somehow reach into every child and trigger motivation and a love of learning. People, regardless of age, are extremely complex creations. We know that people have different strengths and weaknesses and different ways of viewing the world, and that identifying and strategizing with each of these unique things is the key to accomplishing our goals with our students. To leave out the arts - visual arts, music, movement, dance, and theatre - excludes a significant segment of children from the potential of success. In a developmentally appropriate classroom that meets every child's needs, the arts must be available in equal measures with other styles of learning.

Not only do children often express their conscious thoughts, as well as process learning, by working creatively with their hands and bodies, but research has shown that the arts tap into a deeper subconscious that allows children to process things of which they are unaware. Music and visual arts are often used in therapeutic settings for children recovering from trauma or learning to cope with severe disabilities, emphasizing the vital importance of these methods of interaction (Kozlowska & Hanney, 2001), (Carpente, 2002). Allowing children daily experience with this part of their minds and souls gives them the opportunity to more easily access these areas in times of trouble or difficulty, and feel safe within themselves throughout those learning processes.

In the same way that some people learn best by listening, or learn best by seeing pictures, or learn best by reading text, other people learn best through a connection to music. In infancy, sounds enter the brain before the eyes are able to properly intake vision. Extremely young children are able to process and acknowledge differences in tones and pitches, and learn to identify individuals by their voices before they are able to see them clearly. Sound, and the processes of it through music, relates to our earliest natural abilities to learn. Many people find it much easier to memorize facts as lyrics to songs. The structure of sung speech imitates sound patterns required for developing strong reading skills. Many songs for young children are fundamental early literacy elements, such as rhymes and poetry, put to music.

I was somewhat dismayed, however, to see how little attention our textbook gave to the ways in which music links to more concrete elements. The structures of music follow the same structures of beginning mathematics, providing patterns and repetitions, the abilities to compare, contrast, and serialize in audio form, and the rhythms necessary for counting and number sense. "Early childhood educators, knowing that math and music share similar inherent characteristics, can use simple musical elements to introduce mathematical concepts, interactions, and ideas to infants, toddlers, and preschoolers" (Geist & Geist, 2008, p. 21).

Music also creates a direct link to science learning, as children can study sound itself, experiment with what kinds of substances carry sound and how, and learning about physiology and the ears, as well as developing empathy for the deaf and hard of hearing. Experiments can be done such as at the end of the movie, "Mr. Holland's Opus", in which orchestra music is translated into colored lights for the deaf audience.

Music instruction goes far beyond simply being enjoyable, providing the opportunity to move the body, and putting early literacy to melody. It also goes beyond easy integration into other content areas. Music is another area in which people are able to express the deepest emotions and thoughts, that carries the hopes and dreams of many cultures. By providing daily music education, our children can have another avenue through which they are valued and know that they are able to express their true selves and be accepted.

References:
Carpente, J.A. (2002). Creative Music Therapy with a Boy with Multiple Impairments: Stepping out of isolation into new experiences. The Rebecca Center for Music Therapy. Retrieved from http://www.therebeccacenter.org/library/casestudy1.html

Geist, K., & Geist, E.A. (2008). Do re mi, 1-2-3, that's how easy math can be. Using music to support emergent mathematics. Young Children. National Association for the Education of Young Children.

Kozlowska, K. & Hanney, L. (2001). An Art Therapy Group for Children Traumatized by Parental Violence and Separation. Clinical Child Psychology and Psychiatry, January 2001; vol. 6, 1: pp. 49-78.

Prairie, A. P., Isbell, R. T., & Raines, S. C. (2010). Teaching across the content areas: Math, science and the creative arts (Laureate Education, Inc., custom ed.). Mason, OH: Cengage Learning.

November

2010-11-09T12:31:00.001-05:00

How in the world is it November already? Seriously, folks, slow down!

That said, we've only had the heat on for less than a week, and now today's high is 75 degrees, and we're out on the porch in short sleeves. It really is quite lovely, and gives us a great opportunity to air out the house.

I'm feeling a little bit better, but not a whole lot. The cough has changed, so I guess that's a good thing? I don't know. But it's finally getting to wear on my very last nerve. Ah, well. At least I can sleep laying down again.

This week is very stressful. Tomorrow morning we have the Certified Investigator coming for our first of two long homestudy interviews (more info on the adoption blog). Lanse is on crunch time at work, and is extremely stressed out from that. We're travelling for the holiday, so I'm trying to work ahead on my schoolwork, which means that Thursday I'm doing a classroom observation two weeks early, which necessitates me getting two weeks of reading done by then. And Colin is still very sick, and we're extremely unsettled about what could potentially happen while we're away, with pretty much every possibility. I also have to finish up creating some things that I need to take with us when we go.

That said, I'm relatively cheerful, and we've been having a lot of wonderful time with the Eastvolds (our goddaughter and her family). We'll be cat sitting for their new cat Napoleon while they're away this weekend, and that should be fun. He's very playful and snuggly. I'm also very much enjoying the reading I have in school, which is about the importance of the arts in early childhood education. Very cool stuff. So over all, I guess things are going well enough. We are definitely blessed.

Okay, fine, I'll say something else

2010-10-09T21:26:00.000-04:00

I have pneumonia; or rather, have had it for the last week and hopefully it's going away by now. I'm tentatively looking forward to bedtime, since it'll be the first time in a week I haven't slept sitting up on the couch. My body's done a lot of weird things to me this time around which make me nervous, I was on some drugs I haven't been on before and had some side effects, but my husband and friends have been amazing in taking care of me, so it's all good. I'm really, really hoping that my friend Katharine actually enjoys cooking as much as she says she does, because I quite enjoy eating, and they've been feeding us a lot, and that chicken soup they brought me was really good. I've felt very loved.

It's interesting the ways in which being very sick makes you think about your life. It's one thing to contemplate your mortality, but (and I say this with a relatively healthy self-esteem) when you don't have children or a job or obligations beyond "those people who love you", when you feel miserable it's quite easy to feel dispensable and be okay with it. Like, as a fact, not as a soul-rending emotion or anything. It's just quite logical that, right now, if I were to knock off, lots of people would be emotionally upset, but I don't think anyone would be that physically put out having to replace me. Oddly, I kind of find that comforting, it lets me get on with the getting better without worrying about stupid things.

On the other hand, it meant that instead of feeling like I had to go make amends to everyone I ever harmed, I spent my sofa time recording logins and passwords to bank and loan accounts and simplifying our budget spreadsheet so Lanse could figure it out if I weren't around. Analytical brain... ENGAGE! Gotta love it.

I'm doing much better now, though the cough is still here and making my back ache. One of my drugs ran out though (it was supposed to) so we'll see if I backslide at all in my recovery. I'm praying not, I happen to enjoy breathing and I've got stuff to do.

Oh, hey, look... I have a blog.

2010-10-09T21:06:00.000-04:00

Somehow I forgot this existed for a little bit. I guess I do go in phases, but I think this may have been my longest silence. Sorry about that.

I just posted an update on the adoption blog. Click the link on the header to read it!

I'm really not feeling that newsy at the moment, so I'll leave you with this photo of Lanse reflecting at the reflecting pool at Drayton Hall.

A summer summary

2010-07-30T16:04:00.000-04:00

Well, I was going to split this up so it was easier to tag, but I'm getting tired of typing, so here's the jist:

Our eldest cat, Colin, age 13, is in the midst of liver failure. Yes, this is the second time, but this time through we got x-rays, and there's a large mass of something - could be inflammation from an infection, curable, or it could be cancer - that's made his liver twice the width it should be and smooshed his stomach to one side. Lanse is heroically suffering the three daily doses of sticking his fingers in Colin's mouth to shove the pills down, and we're desperately trying to get food down him as well. We may be talking days, weeks (the vet gave us 3 weeks worth of pills), or months, but probably not longer than that unless it actually is the very less-probable cureable infection. This has been an extremely difficult few days and we're steeling for the worst.
My childhood friend's baby girl passed away after one hour of life. Now it appears that another friend may have lost her grandson. (We're trying to decipher her FB status, but that's how everyone is reading it.)
Less devastating, but still vital, there is something wrong with my computer (Victoria)'s power source at the motherboard. If it's on it will stay on, but if the cord is bumped accidentally and it shuts off (dead battery) it may not come back on again. So I've spent the week burning disks of photos. Our friend Donna Rae wanted to sell her 1 yr old Asus Netbook for half what it's listed for on Amazon so that she could get an iPad, so we made a deal. I'm still in the midst of transferring data from Victoria over to Abigail the Netbook.
Once again, it's classroom observation time for my coursework. The school that I've observed in before and I'm excited about (and who wants to interview me for a position once she figures out how things shake down for September) doesn't have students this week or next, so they're out. But the director recommended another school that runs year round, extended hours, at the hospital downtown. So we'll go drive the route on Saturday and I'll get more familiar with the local educational system and they'll... hopefully... get excited about me. Building connections is always a good thing in this field.
We spent July 4th week (prior) in Rochester again. Had a wonderful time visiting Lanse's immediate family, uncle, aunt, and cousins, and those we consider heart family. Saw a lot of our prior neighbors Tim, Susan, and four-year-old Sammy, visited a couple of times with our Pastor-of-choice and his wife, drove an hour to visit my bestest friend Ana (prior co-worker), got together with some prior students of mine, crashed gaming night with our prior group of crazy gamers, ate sushi and ice cream with John StRigger, and drove around reminiscing and spending way too much money on food at our favorite places. Over all it was very good, obviously inspiring over-use of the word "prior". It was extremely emotionally stressful as well, but we spent the week discussing the pros and cons of living in various places, and when we were home we realized we are content here until God says "go". So that, in itself, is invaluable. Photos are currently on Victoria and may not all get over here.
We now like sushi. I'm hoping my new-food-crazy dies down before we find ourselves with mercury poisoning.
I planted our biggest container veggie garden ever this year. Almost everything has died because of the heat, and for some unknown reason we've only had two tomatos actually grow and turn red-ish out of four plants. No idea what's going on there. I ordered the vacation pot-soaker hose kit from Amazon to see if it'll do better with more water when I don't want to go out in the heat, but it may already be too late.
Our friends, the Eastvolds, had their baby girl (4th child) the day we left for NY. They have asked us to be her godparents! We're very excited and have been spending a bunch of time over at their house. Her name is Juliana Charis Pinkney Eastvold, and she's beautiful, even when she has the hiccups... which is almost all the time. Her three siblings (all age 5 and under) are adjusting as expected.

I guess that's it for now. Back to listening to the Dave Ramsey show streaming online. I highly recommend it, if you can get past him insulting people.

New author: Susan Gilbert-Collins

2010-07-30T15:40:00.001-04:00

As one of the many things with which I am procrastinating my homework, I dove into creating the Group site on Facebook for my friend Susan, whose first novel, Starting from Scratch, will be released on Tuesday. Amazon is delivering pre-orders Saturday, three days earlier than bookstore release. Seeing as how that's tomorrow, you may as well support your local store! Here's the blurb from Amazon.com's page:

"Why is someone who just defended her doctoral dissertation still wasting her time at her childhood home, two months after her mother’s funeral, making coq au vin and osso buco? Olivia Tschetter, the youngest of four high-achieving South Dakotan siblings, is not returning to “normal”—or to graduate school— quickly enough to suit her family. She wants only to bury herself in her mother’s kitchen, finding solace in their shared passion for cooking.

Threatened with grief counseling, Olivia accepts a temporary position at the local Meals on Wheels, where she stumbles upon some unfinished business from her mother’s past—and a dark family secret. Startling announcements from two siblings also challenge the family’s status quo. The last thing she needs is a deepening romantic interest in a close but platonic (she thought) friend.

But while Olivia’s mother is gone, her memory and spirit continue to engage Olivia, who finds herself daring to speak when she would never have spoken before. Told with humor and compassion, Starting from Scratch explores the shifting of family dynamics in the wake of shattering loss and the healing power of cooking."

The book is published by Simon & Schuster. At that link, Susan's author page, you can also find a schedule of her book signings in Rochester, NY, (August 5th, Monroe/Pittsford B&N) and Brookings, SD (dates in September).

I will admit that I have not yet read the book (sorry, Susan!). But I do know from other things that Susan is a fabulous writer and a wonderful friend, and professes herself that she doesn't know the first thing about promotions, so I figured I'd lend a hand. I'll be dragging Lanse along to B&N sometime next week to pick up a copy. I urge you all to do the same with a person important to you!

Sweltering in July

2010-07-30T15:23:00.000-04:00

No matter how many times I hear, "Yes, but you don't have to shovel in the winter," it never makes June through September in the South any less torturous. I wasn't ever the one who had to wield the shovel, anyway. This is the time of year that I equate to a Minnesota winter... where everyone (except insane children) close themselves up in the temperature controled house just to dash to the temperature controled car and dash back in to the temperature controled wherever you've just arrived, and back again. Although extreme heat on the coast doesn't come with roof-destroying ice dams and extensive road work, it does come with garden-destroying drought and hurricanes. Not really the kind of exchange I'm that interested in. Plus, sweat makes you smell bad. Chills, not so much. In the cold I don't have to shower as frequently.

For whatever reason, even though I'm holed up in the house with very few obligations on my time, my house is a wreck and I'm behind on the few things that I do need to get done. Houseboundness of spirit occurs in any weather, apparently, and I've sorely lacked motivation to accomplish anything practical, let alone sleep and eat responsibly.

So here I am, blogging again to procrastinate schoolwork and phone calls. This is how I am and have been. There will be three posts to come, with more detail. At least that's the plan; we'll see how it goes.

Living in a space-time vortex

2010-06-14T20:01:00.000-04:00

If you've ever watched Doctor Who you may be familiar with the opening credits sequence in which the Tardis tumbles through the space-time vortex like a marble in a pinball machine. Last week began a life that has placed me in the role of the Tardis or, respectively, the marble (which is, unfortunately, more accurate and much less fascinating).

I woke up last Monday with the idea that the only thing on the horizon was the annual company black-tie gala on Saturday which we'd been off and on looking forward to and dreading for the past few months. I'd finally decided on a dress and had recommendations of tailors who could probably do a rush job on raising the hem. So Monday's plan was to drop of the dress, drop off due library books, and come home to spend the day studying.

Here was my Monday:

Lost in Summerville
Had my first auto accident (no one was hurt)
Found the tailor, closed on Mondays
Library books now inaccessible due to damage on the car door
Found a second tailor, it was open... pinned the dress, filled out the form, can't have it done until next week. Took the dress home again... party's on Saturday!

Needless to say, it was a day of insanity. And we ended up not going to the party, so I took the dress back to the tailor who pinned it and hopefully will get it back this week.

During last week I/we also:

began the process of switching from Bethany Waiting Children to the local DHS to become infant/toddler foster adopt parents.
voted in the local primaries, which then went FOOM. (If you're curious for more information, Google SC Democratic primary and you'll have loads to read.)
panicked over homework, which required a classroom observation during the first week of class with no warning or prep time, during a month in which school is out of session
talked at length with my best friend who is a pediatric nurse in Minneapolis. I wish there was more I could do to help her; the hospitals are pushing a new contract that is really bad for the patients (having heard the terms, I completely agree given my child development background). Unfortunately, the local media's on the side of the hospital and the nurses are getting a really bad rap. They had to go on strike, which doesn't help matters.

With all of that in the works and filling up my brain, I'm also prepping for Kids Kamp (VBS)- which is difficult when my volunteer goes on vacation and we don't have a car I can drive to take the stuff to church where the other volunteers are - preparing for Lanse's birthday, and we'll be leaving for Charlotte and, from there, NY the day after VBS is over. I've also been getting interested in the politics going on, and started reading a book our friend Jonathan loaned me about faith and politics. Same friend's wife is now full term and due with baby #4, which we've been following (hopefully not stalkerishly) with concern and interest while we play with their other three kids. I think my brain's covered all the hot topics last week: money, adoption, faith, politics, pregnancies, medical care, homework, employment opportunities... and Mom went to the ER just in case, (but it all ended up fine). I'm also desperately missing my girls Kaylee and Lydia, living life on the opposite coast.

My brain is tired. When are we landing this Tardis again? I promise I won't complain if it's Cardiff instead of London. I expect we'll both get desperately ill when we finally return from NY and things settle down.

Klockenshoesies

2010-06-01T22:25:00.001-04:00

Also, I got new shoes.

Werner Klocke sculpts miniatures for Reaper Miniatures and is Freebooter Miniatures as well. He occasionally has fun with buckles, as best shown on Reaper's Terezinya figure.

I think he'd do well with my new shoes from JCPenny (click on the shoe for the link):

I call them my Klockenshoesies.

That is all. For now.

Our families of origin

2010-06-01T21:22:00.004-04:00

I'm geeky. You all probably already suspected as much, but I tend to geek out a little bit about a lot of things in a small way, so it's not always obvious.

One way I like to geek out is with family records. Thanks to the kind work of the folks at LDS, their free software lets me have loads of fun. The rest of this post are two large images which, I hope, you'll be able to click on to see larger. Possibly not. But maybe so. Try it and find out! [I have more names than this, I have all sorts of sibling information as well as what's shown here... but adding everyone made the images seriously enormous, so I just stuck with the direct lines. Because of that, you may not find all the names on my "favorite names" list on the image.]

If you are family and have more accurate notes (or records for family that we haven't got on here) PLEASE let me know!! I am sorely lacking in records for Bassemirs, Devores, Sabathnes, Nelsons, and Kletzings.

My favorite names:
Women: Zybah, Temperance, Artimetia, Arabella, Appolonia, Isabel, Amelia, Sanna, Lasca, Cathalina
Men: William Imrie (Imrie was also used for Merlin!), Garrit

Oldest dates* in the Lanse Tryon Family:
John Talcot, b. 1562
Rebecca Tryon, b. 1619
William Tryon, b. 1645
*I have the Tryon family going back five generations earlier than this, but none of them have dates.

Oldest dates in the Jessica Sabathne Family:
Lauritz Pederson Brix, b. 1634
William Gamblin, b. 1775

The problem with kids these days...

2010-04-11T18:38:00.001-04:00

Following is the text of what I submitted for this week's Discussion assignment on the status of play. Free play is required for children to be healthy developmentally in all areas, but many kids aren't given that option. When kids don't get the chance to decide on their own how they will play, they lose the ability to make specific kinds of decisions and navigate diplomacy, a skill called "executive function". This lack causes severe difficulties and behavior problems. This text is my reaction to the articles assigned on the topic. They were really quite fascinating; I'll link them at the end.

***

Throughout our readings there has been a continuing theme that perhaps could use a different perspective. Each article has addressed a similar variety of potential issues that have lead to the situation in which we find ourselves today regarding play. However, these issues have been presented simply as causes, and not truly confronted head-on as the source of the issue. The problem here is not a debate over what is appropriate for our children. The problem really has nothing to do with the children at all... it's the adults.

Many children are no longer allowed to free play because of physical danger; either they have no safe outdoor place to play or the indoor environment is not safe to navigate unguided. In other words, parents are afraid of harm, and therefore assert control over where and how their children play.

Many children do not free play while at home because parents believe they must interact with their child but don't have time to do so, and so they turn on the TV or computer. In other words, parents are afraid of what other people will think if they say no to a request and schedule more time around their children. And so they assert control through where the children are and what they're doing so that they (the parent) does not need to be present.

Many children are overbooked through activities and events to the point of creating stress disorders. This happens because parents may be afraid of what other parents think, or are afraid that they are not good enough parents, instead of being secure in the knowledge that they are smart and intelligent people who can learn about children and be confident about what is right for their own child. In response to that fear, they micromanage every moment of their child's day.

The fact that play is being eliminated from classrooms across the country stems from an adult fear that the children will not meet up to the world's expectations; not only when they are adults, but also as children. Our world is so overly competitive in a way that children don't naturally understand, and so adults push them in a reflection of their own fear of failure. This fear of failure, of the potential of not living up to the rest of the world, causes adults to control academic requirements and school responsibilities to assert the potential to win.

My opinion is that the best way to fix this problem is world-wide therapy sessions! Seriously though, the pattern of fear --> control is one that arises in many areas of life, in overprotective parenting, in disorders and crimes, in dysfunctional marriages, in struggling businesses, in political budgets. While a certain amount of fear is healthy and instinctive, I believe our technological age and city living has led to a loss of real areas in which we were not meant to control, but merely to observe and learn. Living as we do, we have more time for introspection and emotional connection to our fears, and less practice letting things be as nature intends. Humankind has been successfully navigating life for millions of years, but not until recently has living become relatively easy for most. We've become soft and squeamish as a society, and allowed our fears to overtake us.

In order to let our children play, to learn and develop naturally as children were created to do, adults (parents, teachers, and lawmakers included) must step back from their fear and release control. They must allow for the possibility that a child may get poked with the stick they swing, that they might get muddy or bitten by mosquitoes in the creek, or that they might experience the pain of a friend calling them names. As most of our resources have pointed out, living through and learning from experiences like these lead us to understand how to navigate life and to be successful in our future. Depriving our children of these opportunities in the name of avoiding potential harm will instead create a whole new range of developmental problems, and a society in which adults no longer understand how to interact appropriately with one another.

List copied from our "Resources" tab for Modules 1 & 2 from Walden University:

(Sorry for the wonky formatting)

Required Resources

Web Article: The Serious Need for Play
http://blog.edu-cyberpg.com/2009/03/04/The+Serious+Need+For+Play.aspx

Podcast: Old-Fashioned Play Builds Serious Skills
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=19212514

Web Article: Experts Say Play Time Can Relieve Stress in Bad Times
http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2009-03-23-play-stress_N.htm

Web Article: Pressurized Children, Pressurized Adults: Let’s Find Time for Play
http://www.education.com/reference/article/pressurized-children-adult-time-for-play/

Supplemental Resources

Web Article: Taking Play Seriouslyhttp://www.nytimes.com/2008/02/17/magazine/17play.html?_r=2

Web Article: Creative Play Makes for Kids in Control
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=76838288

Video: Stuart Brown: Why Play is Vital--No Matter Your Agehttp://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/stuart_brown_says_play_is_more_than_fun_it_s_vital.html

Web Article: Recess and the Importance of Playhttp://w4.nkcsd.k12.mo.us/~rbeckett/RECESS%20AND%20THE%20IMPORTANCE%20OF%20PLAY.htm

Introduction

Web Article: Can We Play?http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/greatergood/2008spring/Elkind344.html

Organized Activities Marginalizing Free Time

Web Article: The Overbooked Childhttp://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200301/the-overbooked-child

Technological Innovations

Web Article: The Impact of Home Computer Use on Children’s Activities and Developmenthttp://www.futureofchildren.org/futureofchildren/publications/docs/10_02_05.pdf

Increased Focus on Academics

Web Article: Another Look at What Young Children Should be Learninghttp://www.ericdigests.org/2000-1/look.html
Web Article: Should Preschools Teach All Work and No Play?http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/20056147
Web Article: No Outdoor Play Hurts Childrenhttp://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/6986544.stm
Web Article: Alliance for Childhood Campaigns to Take Pressure off Children http://www.southerncrossreview.org/35/alliance.htm
Web Article: The Three R’s: A Fourth is Crucial, Too: Recesshttp://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/24/health/24well.html
Web Article: Recess and the Importance of Playhttp://w4.nkcsd.k12.mo.us/~rbeckett/RECESS%20AND%20THE%20IMPORTANCE%20OF%20PLAY.htm
Video: Immersionhttp://video.nytimes.com/video/2008/11/21/magazine/1194833565213/immersion.html

The Library

2010-01-19T16:19:00.004-05:00

The last time I was in a library was when our school staff went to work on a mass mailing project. I did have a library card for Rochester, but I don't recall ever actually checking out books. The Wheaton Public Library was marvelous, and provided lots of fun things for me during college, but they were mostly related to schoolwork. I own a lot of books and don't mind re-reading them; in fact, I get in moods when I must immediately re-read something from childhood. I read a lot of young adult books now, since I use reading and movies to escape the real world. They're interesting and have plots, but move quickly. And that's just perfect. Brain candy that's not sex-related. Brilliant!

Because I love to read and it's easy for me, something in my brain filed it under 'frivolous'. So I always felt that sitting around reading was irresponsibly ignoring something else I ought to be doing. I mentioned that fact randomly in a self-reflective paper as if it were normal and my prof gently reamed me out. So on my birthday I decided it was time and I stopped and got a Dorchester County library card. Apparently it's good for both Dorchester and Berkeley Counties without an out-of-county fee, but not in Charleston County. But that's okay. Isn't it lovely?

When I traveled to Minnesota I realized that there are a number of people there whom I admire greatly and would strive to imitate. One thing that these people all have in common is that they are willing to try new things, be adventurous, and are aware of the recent releases or news items or current issues in their areas of interest. I haven't read a new (to me) book in... probably four or five years now, always relying on others to hand me the latest thing they've read. So while I was at the library, being allowed to check out three items on a first-time/new card limit, I picked up a young adult novel that our Junior High students all wanted to read years ago, and then began my self-introduction to Agatha Christie. The Doctor says that she's the best writer of all time and had a copy of one of her novels published in the year Five Billion, so I figured that was endorsement enough.

I started with Miss Marple short stories; I figured if I hated it, it would end soon. But no fear... I'm hooked!

The following day we had planned to go site-seeing outdoors, but it was cold and raining. So instead, we both went back to the library and Lanse got his own card. I stood in the rows and breathed in the wonderful book smell and felt at home. Then I curled up on a sofa and read a City of Ember sequel while he browsed. He checked out two books on Victorian history and my book, since I was almost half way into it. He's so nice.

I hereby tentatively call this Library Excursion a success! But only tentative, because we have yet to discover if we can return them on time. I'll let you know around February 5th.

11 in 101 update

2010-01-19T14:20:00.004-05:00

Here's how I'm doing (how about you?):

[begin cut-n-paste]
My 11 things for 101 days (Deadline March 11)
(in no particular order)

1. finish the Christmas quilt on the wall Quilt came down off the wall and off the curtain rod and is sitting around in a corner. Haven't cleaned the quilting area enough to get access to the stuff I need.

2. shred the box of old documents in the attic Moving Christmas stuff in and out suddenly blocked in our document boxes. So now I have to clean the attic before I can do this. One thing leads to another...

3. buy paint and supplies for the livingroom loft CHECK...ish? I bought for the loft not the livingroom. I can't find the strikethrough font effect in blogger, so tiny and italic will have to do. I plan to blog on the loft painting experiment shortly.

4. have someone over for dinner I intended to have a Pampered Chef party for this past weekend but realized that most of my guest list is from church, and we're in a fasting month. Not the best time to have a party around food! So it'll be next month some time.

5. plant all the bulbs in the bag by the door (should be sooner than later) I planted some, but want to see if they'll grow in shallow soil before I plant them all. Previous owners apparently put a very thick plastic weed barrier not too far down in the front garden.

6. get an eye exam and new glasses (before the new year) I'm a slacker.
7. get an evaluation on my back (orthopedic?) Again, a slacker.

8. make good homemade soup CHECK! It was so good that we actually ate it a few days in a row and didn't freeze any for later as I'd hoped to! I'll have to do another one.

9. add at least two more color bands to my knitting project Back to the "I'm a slacker".

10. make some money As mentioned earlier, I sold some jewelry. I also have just sold a textbook. And I will be babysitting on Friday. Yay!

11. brush the cats twice a week With three cats, and some liking the brush more than others, it's been hard to keep track. I'm pretty sure I'm up to date on Kira, and not on the boys.

*Extra goal that's important: Play the piano at least twice a week Not even once a week yet. Not even once a month. I did run a scale the other day just to startle the cat...

Other things that could stand to be done that I'm going to list here before I forget them but that I won't count in the list unless I run out of stuff, which is unlikely...

clean the back porch
clean the house at least once a month as though my mother was visiting tomorrow
home cook extra food for the freezer
sort large box of old photos into books

I haven't done any of these.

[end cut-n-paste]

Something I realized today about this list, though, is that it's primarily things that I know I ought to do. I didn't put much on there that I wanted to do. I suffer from this odd thing that says when there's stuff that should be done, I'm not allowed to do stuff I want to do. If I am the grownup I should act like a grownup, and that's not any fun. But as I don't want to do the stuff I should, I do nothing instead. Thus this list. However, there are a few things that, in the wake of my 33rd birthday, I decided "Heck, I'm an adult so I can choose! I'll do the things I want to do! At least for a little bit." So here are some things that, the more I think of it, should probably have been added to the list because they're worthwhile:

1. I got a library card. I will blog on that shortly as well.

2. I have picked up some books that I had heard of and never read, and am very much enjoying them.

3. As previously mentioned, I grabbed paint for the loft. This was a big deal, since the original list said "living room", which requires hiring someone for the 15' walls either side of the cathedral ceiling. The loft, on the other hand, is one of those 'under the eaves' rooms, and I may in fact be able to paint most of it all on my own. This is unheard of, and a real emotional risk/fear/thrill for me. So the fact that I've bought the paint... tested it on the wall... and then put up a fuss at the store when the color wasn't right (I'm a huge conflict avoider as far as my own needs go, something about me not really being worth the effort... and yes, I do know better than that)... let's just say that this has been one of those emotionally groundbreaking experiences so far.

4. Although we've both been in a bit of a slump in this area, I've been trying to do more around the house. I've cooked more, and done more dishes, and done more laundry. Some things Lanse still does, but when I'm despairing I tend to ask way too much of him, and I've been trying to be aware and take more responsibility. (Dearest, thank you, and I love you!)

I think that's it for now! If you have a list, how is it going?

Missy Princess Kira

2010-01-12T11:06:00.004-05:00

My coworker's husband worked at a military base in upstate NY. The base had a stray cat that the soldiers looked after. One day, they discovered that she'd had a litter of kittens in the wheel-well of a Jeep, apparently right around October 1st. So he brought them all home to be raised to weening point. It was a pretty crazy household: four people, two dogs, nine cats, a hamster, a couple of birds, and some fish. For a while momma and her kittens lived in the laundry room, then were moved upstairs to a guest room. There were two black girl kittens and a few gray ones, a couple with stripes, and all were short haired except two little gray fluff balls. We fell in love with the little black girlies, and right after our January trip picked one up to bring home. They had named her Princess, but we renamed her Kira, "the Gelfling, not the Major".

Upsidedown kitten girl, about 15 weeks old

A rare snuggle kitten moment, about 15 weeks old

I'm not sure exactly what influenced her demeanor, but when she came home she was skittish and terrified of everything, and hated to be touched. She also had trouble with her litter box - she'd enter it and then hang her backside over the edge. When we moved the box out to the utility room, she refused to go out. We figured out since then that she didn't like anything touching her face, and so she wouldn't go through a cat flap.

But over all, she's been dainty and careful, very much a delicate lady. She started to grow up and lose some of her fear, though any dramatic event would cause her to hide for a day or two. She's still that way, but she's less so with us now which is nice. It used to count for everyone!

Still a little kittenish, about a year and a half old

Now we're in SC and she's all grown up! She lets us brush her and rub her cheeks, and since the cold snap this winter she's come up to snuggle on us. She continues to have trouble with doors, and since we have a screen porch we like to let them out on, I spent time training her to meow to go out instead of scratching at it. Her brothers have scratched at the back door often enough that parts of the padding strips were torn off and eaten and now you can see daylight in the gaps when the door is closed. We also got sick and tired of having the litter box in the bathroom and decided, since there's a perfectly good cat door in the door to the garage, it's going out there thankyouverymuch. Box or no box, she continued to go in the bathroom. At least that was cleanable. And then one day, when we didn't notice her standing silently by the garage door, she wandered over and pooed in the dining room. Loooovely. So we upped the 'meow' training.

Kira, with brother Spook, by the porch door; 3 years old

So our little Miss has just this week shown how wonderfully well-trained she can be. She now meows at the porch door when she wants in and out, and meows at the door to the garage when she needs the box. She also meows at the closed door to the guest room where she likes to roll on the carpet, and she meows at Lanse's office door when he closes it for a meeting, and she meows at our bedroom door if she has to go out to the garage in the middle of the night. I probably got about six hours of solid sleep between Friday and Monday, because she's so very well trained. She has taught me, based on my mood and attitude yesterday, that I definitely need more sleep than that to be a happy and productive person. But at least she doesn't poo in the house anymore.

What the princess cares about that. 3 years old

First post of 2010

2010-01-05T11:59:00.004-05:00

Wow. It's 2010. I wrote it on my wet-erase calendar a couple of days ago and it was very strange. But kind of exciting at the same time.

It's now been a while since I went to Minnesota, and the holiday chaos plus slow internet plus the post-holiday slump means I haven't posted anything new since then. For those who may be concerned, I am alive... I'm doing okay. The cold, the messy house, and the holiday exhaustion left me a bit depressed so I took a few days hibernating in front of the television. I think I'm over it, at least until it snows on Friday and all of The South shuts down in a panic.

11 in 101 update:
I fail, at least so far. The only one I've accomplished is #10, "make some money", because I was able to sell some of my jewelry prior to Christmas. If anyone is interested in buying any, please let me know. I've got a website where you can see what I do, and a few photos on Facebook too. I may throw some things up on Etsy, but I haven't decided yet.

Incidentally, 101 days from my initial post will be March 11th.

Christmas
We went to my grandparent's house in Florida, two hours South of Orlando. My folks came down Christmas Eve afternoon, we had dinner and gifts and went to bed early. Woke up Christmas Day and were on the road by 6:15 for the 8 1/2 hour drive. My grandparents are around 90 (Grandpa just over, Grandma just under), and they're trying to clear out their house a bit ahead of time. Grandpa's struggling a bit in mind and Grandma's struggling a but in body, so it was hard from that perspective. My uncle was also there, and we did a Christmas dinner and exchanged gifts and just spent the week hanging out. It was good to see family again. But it was exhausting, and I'm recovering slowly. Here's two of my favorite shots; click for the set.

Back to winter

2009-12-15T12:08:00.006-05:00

Last Wednesday I arrived where they truly understand what the word "winter" means. A snowstorm hit the Twin Cities the night before my flight, causing no delays because they know what to do with it. It's very cold and very white. It's fabulous. I have enjoyed sights such as:

Kisha and AM picked me up from the airport, and we had lovely stop-and-stop traffic back to a lovely Greek restaurant, and then to their house. I saw the light rail for the first time. Zoom zoom. Enjoyed their home and their baby and their kittencats. Their guest bathroom is directly next to the furnace and was Oh so cozy. For some reason I spent most of my time there trying to remember I was not in Chicago.

Thursday I went to my best friend Julia's house and hung out until we went over to Sara's house for supper. It's been a very emotional trip for me, as my environment has changed me over the last ten years and I've become someone who doesn't quite feel like me. I met Julia before 4th grade, we can't quite remember when exactly, and she's more like my sister than anything. Sara and I met via a third party way back in elementary school, and we were pen pals throughout childhood. She lived in Wisconsin, so we didn't see each other often, but would spend a week in the summer at each other's houses. She's loads of fun. She's since gotten married and moved here to the TC, so we had dinner at her home, where her husband cooked us a lovely stir fry and nearly all of their floors are heated. I keep standing on linoleum floors other places now and being surprised that they're cold.

Friday Julia and I got holiday mint coffees from Caribou and went to her mom's house to bake Christmas cookies! We made sugar cookies, peanut blossoms, Russian tea cakes, and pecan tartlets, and it was loads of fun.

This:

Became this:
And we had photo fun:And also this:

And a few other things. It was quite wonderful. And filling, too. My blood sugar has not been too pleased with me, though my sense of taste is quite satisfied! In the evening I went over to Kellie's and saw Up. It's fabulous and horrible and happy and sad and frustrating and amazing all at the same time. I cried and I laughed. It moved me.

Saturday I went to Erin's for ErinCon 2009, or some such something. Lunch was lovely BBQ made by Pete and Erin and wonderful brownies from Ris and Chris and Piper. All the photos there were taken by others and I haven't gotten my copies yet. But there was much laughter and silliness and more cats.

Erin brought me to stay with Kellie at K's parent's house. My house through junior high and high school shares a back yard with them, and I spent much of my time here. I'm very much at home and I'm grateful that they let me come and stay with them. In the evening we went to her dad's Christmas concert, including wine and cheese and chocolate. It was really quite amazing, and made the holiday Perfectly Right.

Sunday I wrote a paper in the morning while Kellie sang at a gig with her choir, and then we went over to her friend Kathy's for Indian curry and Bollywood. It's an interesting genre of movie, kind of art film meets musical meets foreign cultural something. It's subtitled, and has it's own unique template for what makes one work. I enjoy it, but it's something to do with others who enjoy it, so I've never branched out on my own with it. We had a great time. In the evening, Julia came over again and we just sat around and talked and ate cookies. Kellie spun her roving into yarn while we talked, so it was also educational!

Yesterday my high school friend Todd and I hung out, got burgers, and watched movies. We tend to become very silly, and most of the photos I took are of things like the restaurant ceiling and our shoes, so I'll spare everyone the trauma.

So far today I've gotten up and had lovely conversation with Kel's mom about teaching and writing, and I've spent hours now writing this post. At 2:00 the neighbor will come over to visit and then I'll go chill out with Todd a bit before Kel gets home. I may go out to the choir dinner with her, but haven't decided. Then it's back to the airport bright and early in the morning.

Being a Pro(fessional) Crastinator

2009-11-30T11:29:00.005-05:00

Dilatory. Idle. Lackadaisical. Dawdling. Some folks may think this sounds pleasant, as though I'm lounging by a pool holding a sparkly glass with an umbrella in it. I do live in a coastal resort town, and spend a lot of time in the sun on my porch.

Where did I find these lovely words? In the Thesaurus, under "Lazy".

Also listed are the following: Apathetic. Careless. Sluggish. Remiss. Negligent.

This morning I found a blog by a friend from elementary school. She's single, has a puppy, and runs her own business. One of her blog posts was titled "101 in 1001", meaning that she made a list of 101 goals to try to accomplish in 1001 days. That's approximately 6-7 months, I haven't figured it out; she set the list in February and aimed to check in around August. She met more than half of her goals.

Reading her list made me very tired. This is not a good sign. And I realized that, after a while, lackadaisical lemonade lounging in the sun goes from refreshing to negligent pretty darn quickly. So this is something that I probably need to do.

However, I also want to work with my tendencies and not against them. Successful goal-setting always comes hand in hand with the word "appropriate" or it'll never happen. So I'm starting small: Instead of 101 things in 1001 days, I'm going to scoop out a zero and try for 11 things in 101 days. Starting today will give me until March 10th to accomplish my 11 things. Considering that time span includes a MN trip, Christmas (and potential FL trip), my birthday, and Kaylee's birthday, as well as schoolwork, I may be hard pressed to finish 11. But I'm going to try.

My 11 things for 101 days
(in no particular order)

1. finish the Christmas quilt on the wall
2. shred the box of old documents in the attic
3. buy paint and supplies for the livingroom
4. have someone over for dinner
5. plant all the bulbs in the bag by the door (should be sooner than later)
6. get an eye exam and new glasses (before the new year)
7. get an evaluation on my back (orthopedic?)
8. make good homemade soup
9. add at least two more color bands to my knitting project
10. make some money
11. brush the cats twice a week
*Extra goal that's important: Play the piano at least twice a week

Other things that could stand to be done that I'm going to list here before I forget them but that I won't count in the list unless I run out of stuff, which is unlikely...

clean the back porch
clean the house at least once a month as though my mother was visiting tomorrow
home cook extra food for the freezer
sort large box of old photos into books

Apple Cream Cheese Pie

2009-11-17T17:45:00.006-05:00

The first weekend that my father stayed with us for the tennis championship, he apparently brought a bag of apples that went straight into the fruit basket without passing my eyes. And once it's there, it's out of sight for me. So color me surprised when I finally clean the kitchen and find apples! Good, sweet red ones, I think they were Romas.

We ate some, and had a few left. I noticed today that one was bad, so out it went and all but one of the rest I've turned into pie. Initially I wanted to recreate Baker's Square's French Apple Cream Cheese pie, but couldn't find a copy of the recipe. So I stumbled upon Ms. Sue's Creamy Apple Pie and have used that recipe as a base.

So first, I found a pie plate. It's not deep dish, and it should have been, but oh well.

Then I made a graham cracker crust according to the instructions on the box of cracker crumbs. Originally I was going to make Rachel's Butterfinger Pie, which is entirely chilled and not baked, so I put the crust in the fridge for a while. Then I changed my mind and took it out again.

Next I sliced an apple. Way too early, but I wanted to make sure they were still good and worth the effort. They were, and promptly began turning brown. Oh, well.

Then I turned to the cream cheesy bit. Into a bowl went 8 oz Philly original cream cheese, some sugar, and an egg. Beat them up until it looked smooth like I wanted my "cheesecake" to look.

Back to the apples. I chopped up an apple and threw it in my Cuisinart along with two small handfuls of walnuts, sugar, (and here's where I got more creative: added some cinnamon and nutmeg! ooh!). Then I totally ignored Sue's directions. She says to have the apple sliced and I guess mix up the other stuff and then "layer in circular pattern". But for some reason I got confused and just ground it all up in the processor! And I gotta say, it tastes fabulous!

Okay, so, we have a crust in a pie plate. I put a few very thin slices of apples around the bottom, layered it with the cream cheesy goodness, topped that with the ground up apple stuff. Then I sprinkled some walnuts over and pressed them in to make sure they wouldn't burn, and put some thin apple slices over the top. Followed Sue's instruction to cover with dabs of butter and baked the sucker per Ms. Sue's directions.

I've just pulled it out of the oven and it smells amazing. The apples on top dried out and curled a little, so that's not that good. Also, it's a "cheesecake". It only needed to bake in the first place because there's an egg in it, so the cheesy part is a bit gooshy because it's melted.
*note: Apparently I forgot the vanilla. But it still tasted good before I cooked it!

The biggest problem will be the waiting. I gotta let this cool down and then fridge it overnight for me to be happy with it, as I definitely prefer cheesecake cold. Bah! Bah, I say!

My Official Recipe: What went into this specific pie

Crust:
Graham Cracker Crust as it says to do it on the box

Creamy Filling:
1 8oz. cream cheese
1/4 cup sugar
1 egg
Beat cheese 1/4 cup sugar, egg till smooth and spread over bottom of crust. Set aside.

Apple Filling:
2 medium Roma apples *note: I left the skins on, and probably should not have
2 small handfuls chopped Pecans or Walnuts
1/2 Tea. Cinnamon
2/3 Cup Sugar
Throw apple filling ingredients into a food processor and grind the heck out of it. You may have to stop and scrape down the sides a couple of times. Spread it out over the top of the cheese filling, sprinkle some chopped walnuts on top, pressing them into the filling slightly so they don't burn, top with a few thin and pretty apple slices with skins on. Dot with 1 tab. butter. Bake at 400 for 15 minutes and then lower to 350 and continue to bake till apples are tender. The slices on top started getting a bit dry, so at about 20 minutes in I used tongs and flipped them over to get both sides moist.

Let cool, then fridge it if you like cheesecake cold like I do.

B.C. Technology

2009-11-05T22:09:00.002-05:00

I'm playing with this idea which, at the moment, I rather like. It's a comparison. Almost a metaphor, but not quite. Kinda. But it just might work.

I've been part of the generation that I consider the 'between tech' generation; I've known a life where none of my friends had heard of computers, and I've personally participated in the relationship changes from telephone and letter to email and chat. I've traveled from dos-based word-processor-written mailbox mail to two-day-delivery email to bulletin board text-only forums to stand-alone instant messengers to Facebook. I've read a fair number of research articles over the last decade and more about the detriments of online communication, some more extreme than others. I'm attending an entirely online college, and can definitely acknowledge that there's a down-side to the lack of face-to-face interaction.

Here's a common perspective: assuming that you don't use a webcam or computer phone software, which I personally don't (yet), internet communication does not involve body language or tone of voice. Therefore, there's a great deal of potential for misunderstanding someone's intentions. In the case that context isn't clear, the interpretation of an email or a blog post, or even a Facebook status comment, is left up to the reader's mood and knowledge of the person making the comment. This is especially true if the writer is intending to joke around, or if there's a complicated simile or metaphor going on.

I'll simplify and summarize this idea as a statement of fact, just for kicks.

Text relationships, currently online communication, (I'm not counting the eras of letter-writing, in which most cases folks would know one another before writing, and perhaps occasionally phone) does not involve verbal communication or body language, and therefore is interpreted by the reader based on written context, reader's mood (whether or not they're inclined to take offense), and how well the reader personally knows the writer.

So here's where the comparison comes in. The idea of a completely textual relationship, sound-free and lacking non-verbal communication, is not new with technology. In fact, it is incredibly old... about 2000 years, older if you count the period of silence prior to Christ. If that text communication is comparable to a modern text communication, then it would follow that the same conditions exist: context, my mood, and how well I know God are all I have to go on when I read the Bible and try to understand what God meant when He wrote it.

I know that I've heard God speak to me, in words, in my head, so there's the verbal. Christ gave us the Holy Spirit to help us in many ways, discernment and interpretation being part of that. Perhaps the Holy Spirit brings us a subconscious understanding of the non-verbal?

But even with the verbal and the non-verbal parts I'm missing, I still need context. That's easy enough to gather by educating myself in studies and research. Then there's mood. My mood definitely affects how I hear and respond to anything with anyone, no reason that'd change reading what He wrote to me. In fact, my mood actually tends to influence that relationship on my end more than my human ones.

So the last thing, and it's the clincher, is how well I know Him. I instant messaged to one of my best friends the other day, and her response was so intensely her that I saw her posture and heard her tone of voice in my mind. Do I know God well enough that I can just see Him saying that?

I said that was the last thing, but perhaps it ought to have been the first. Because the better I know you personally, regardless of your writing or the context or my mood, the better I will know what you mean. And I'd think that understanding what God means when He's talking to me is really my bottom line. So I have to ask myself, how well do I know Him? And what can I do to know more?

Battles

2009-10-27T20:50:00.004-04:00

My mother grew up as the daughter of a missionary couple in Nigeria. When she and her siblings grew up and started families, all but one of them returned to the US. My aunt and her husband stayed in Africa and raised my cousins there. I'm no stranger to stories of the miraculous power of God. Where they're living, the spiritual battle is obvious. Evil is real and possessive, and Christian prayer has immediate and definable results. The story that will always be most vivid to me is when my uncle was attacked outside their home by a man with a gun who wanted his car. I believe my cousin was in the back seat. He crawled out the other side and hid, and watched as the man held the gun to my uncle's head and pulled the trigger. When the gun did not fire, he pointed it to the ground to figure out the problem, and that's when the gun went off. I don't recall what words were spoken between the man and my uncle, but the man took the car; the family was unharmed. Another shorter example of the warfare in their country is the fact that the Christians keep tabs on which of the local religious ceremonies are typically celebrated by some with Christian Church or mission burnings. Although not every person they come into contact with holds a gun to their heads or lights their homes on fire, these kind of situations are common and always expected; they put their lives on the line knowing that every person they speak to whom they do not know personally has potential to harm them if they even let on about Christ.

I've heard many stories of this kind, as well as amazing illnesses cured through prayer, demons cast out, amazing unaccountable provisions, and all the other kinds of miracles Christ performs in the New Testament, happening today, but somehow only overseas. I've heard these stories from the pulpit as well, used as examples of how evil is prevalent and how the Holy Spirit still performs miracles. I know that I am not destined for the Sahara or life in a third-world country, but these stories cause me to catch my breath at the fact that people actually have to choose to risk their life for Christ. Not only do they choose to risk their lives every moment (even inside their own home some days) but they know that they are firm in their faith, knowing and believing clearly every element of Scripture, for both protection and witness. As they interact with the Muslim people all around them, they always have a choice: to speak Christ's Truth, which He honors with rejoicing and dependable loving care, to renounce Him in exchange for safety from the people, which I would expect would be quite unreliable... or to water down the Word just enough to try to get a point across without offending anyone who could literally stone them in the street, trusting in their own ability to take care of themselves and rewrite what Christ intended them to share in the first place. But the latter is not why they're there; true knowledge of God's guidance and God's physical and ever-present hand in protection allows them the freedom to offer the Truth. God then stops the gun pressed against their head from firing.

In an odd way, that level of risk gives more meaning to what one believes. If I feel I have nothing much to lose either way in my mostly safe American neighborhood, then it doesn't really matter that much what I believe so long as I have it all worked out by the end. I mentioned that I've heard similar stories in sermons; those sermons typically ended with the concept that though Satan works in blatant and obvious ways like these through non-Christians in third-world countries, in America Satan is subtle. Because we statistically have enough, we don't have to trust in God for things. Because it's acceptable to believe whatever we want to believe, we don't have to think much about what we believe as we never (much) need to depend upon it or march into battle with it. Non-Christians will either not talk about religion, will listen and smile and nod and carry on in their own way, or will argue simply to argue... but I'm quite confident saying that nobody I know in my life would set my house on fire; our laws just don't work that way, and most of us have a pretty safe concept of what's socially acceptable.

The generalizations being made in the sermons I've heard on this is that Satan is obvious and attacks offensively by blatantly using non-Christians in third-world countries, and that he's subtle and attacks through apathy and a tolerant non-Christian society in areas with wealth. In other words, the assumed bottom line in spiritual warfare is that it's Christians (God) vs. non-Christians (Satan). And when I hear my uncle's stories - even the good ones - I feel different inside about it than I feel when I hear of the ways in which Satan is subtle. The anger is righteous, the fear is covered by faith, and the miracles are truly joyful; subtlety is simply annoying and anti-climactic. Though I obviously don't want pain or struggle for anyone, I want what I believe to matter, and right now it really doesn't seem to. What I believe doesn't affect anyone in the life I'm leading. Even as a teacher, though I affect the children, I instruct youth in a Christian environment who are generally willing to believe whatever I tell them. Subtle takes a base of strategy and suspicion before you're even sure there's a battle; in Africa, as far as I can tell, there's such a difference between the Christian and the non-Christian that Christians hold themselves differently and interact with you differently, and assumptions are mostly reliable about what you'll get. You typically don't have to guess. There's something freeing about that to me, a whole "I'm done with the games, let's get to the bottom line" perspective. In some ways I always thought that was somewhat unfair, since Paul says I'll be fighting for my life and right now all I'm fighting is laziness. And frankly, the general assumptions about the use of the American culture just don't sit well with me in a final sense. That just couldn't possibly be the only way it works.

Just today I finally listened to the recordings made of the three parish briefings given to our congregation prior to Saturday's diocese Special Convention. We managed to miss attending all three of them, and I only picked up the copies on Friday. As I sat through three 80-minute CDs I had a growing gut reaction, a somewhat familiar feeling that I couldn't quite place. It wasn't until the middle of the last CD that I realized... this is that feeling, the one with the African car hijacking and the gun that didn't fire.

Have you ever had it happen when you're looking for something on your desk and can't find it, and you get more and more desperate and look in all the drawers and then suddenly realize it's been sitting in front of you the whole time? This is what we've been missing: Satan didn't change his way of using non-Christians, Satan didn't choose to go from causing non-Christians to set fires to causing non-Christians to be indifferent based on location. Satan switched the players! He's taken the obvious and put it in the hands of other Christians, and because we're so focused on fighting outsiders and banding together inside the walls we just simply didn't see it sitting right in front of us. Father Mike quoted someone who compared this current and building Anglican struggle to the biggest spiritual conflict in impact since the Reformation. Considering it's the third largest church denomination in the world, that's not necessarily exaggerated. We're talking about Protestant church leaders who say that Jesus is not the Son of God! Protestant bishops honestly suggesting that the Bible could not be from God! How much more obvious can we get?

I know that in our church system the politics are vitally important, as are the personal relationships between diocese in the worldwide Anglican Communion. I know that this will take careful strategy by our Bishop and leaders and other folks on our side, and they're doing a fabulous job of it already. But it's clear to me that there absolutely are sides of good and evil in this. This is the gun to our head and the match at our doorstep. It's time to be Saharan missionaries to ourselves, willing to know that God won't allow us to be stoned in the street unless it's truly to His greater purpose. I'm overwhelmed by suddenly seeing an arena for action, finally, because what I believe can matter. I'm ready to fight, because I've finally found a battle I recognize enough to know that with the Lord I can stand against it. I see potential to apply my faith in a place of desperate need. Unfortunately, laypeople don't seem to have very much influence in the church political system, so I really don't know where personally to start.

Maybe I should have gone to seminary.

It's all about theology.

2009-10-26T11:39:00.007-04:00

In a previous post I provided background of the chaos going on in the Episcopal Church right now, as well as a link to the address from our Bishop on August 13th. This past Saturday the diocese met in a Special Convention in order to vote on five different resolutions meant to clarify our position on the votes from the General Convention in July. There are a lot of articles responding to this Special Convention, some which are accurate and some which are not, as the local secular newspapers have reported on it nearly as much as the Church has. And, as with anything done within a somewhat political arena, even the reports from affected groups tend to vary as to the report of the purpose and intent of what happened on Saturday.

Suffice it to say, what's been done here doesn't appear to have ever happened before, and we have no idea how the impacts will play out. Someone interviewed by one of the secular papers pointed out that when you are a willing member of an organization that utilizes a hierarchy for decision making, you can't just go ahead and make up your own rules when you disagree with the people in charge. But this is more or less what we've attempted to do; what other option is there when the leadership of the church decides on things that appear to be contrary to Christ? If Christ isn't the head of the Church, how can it be called a Christian church? Bishop Lawrence's address (click for the .pdf) clarifies the purpose of the meeting, the specific resolutions that were voted upon (four of five passed overwhelmingly, the fifth was put off for later to be better worded), and what he views for the future of the Diocese.

So now we've come to the point where I give my own personal opinion. I've lately been accused (rightly, though negatively) of having a very black and white view of things, but in the case of theology, I firmly believe there is One Right Way. Just like scientists acknowledge a fundamental (read: "basic and underlying") natural law that creates gravity and seasons and also acknowledge that there's an awful lot of natural law that we are still discovering, I also believe that there is a fundamental spiritual law that creates the reality of the spiritual dimension of our current lives, past, and our eternal future. We know that the law of gravity is right and good and that if someone figured out how to turn off the gravitational pull of the Earth, we'd most likely all die horrible scary deaths. In the same way, I know that the "law" (read: system) of grace and salvation simply Are, and that if someone figured out how to turn off that system, every one of us would die horrible scary deaths in eternity. Most people would call it belief or faith, perhaps a very very deep sense of faith. But I feel it so much more deeply than that; belief and faith waver. My understanding of the framework of spiritual reality simply IS in the same way that I know that if I get up off this sofa I won't just float away. All of this simply to say that I am reacting to the situation in the Episcopal Church with a very clear black and white response: This is about theology. This is about a church and theology. If a church refuses to address theology, then I guarantee you Satan's having the biggest party this side of the one he threw at 9/11 or the Crusades.

Here's what I'm thinking: One of the topics voted on on Saturday is titled "The Lordship of Christ and the Sufficiency of Scripture". Such is the chaos of the Episcopal Church that the Diocese of South Carolina had to have a special meeting to visibly agree that Christ is Lord and the "Scriptures contain everything necessary for salvation." How can we be disagreeing on this in the greater Communion!? This is all about basic and vital theology.

One of the topics voted on is the SC response to the issue of appointing practicing non-heterosexual priests (and other topics related to that issue). *Let me clarify: The resolution on Saturday was not a re-vote on the homosexuality issue, it was a statement of how the diocese will adjust its participation in the national Church in response to the vote in July. My comments here are related to the July vote and not the vote on participation.* I may have said this before, but one role of the church as I understand it is to clarify with Scriptural basis what is a sin and what is not a sin. In fact, churches have been lambasted from the secular community for doing exactly that: being judgmental and too "thou-shalt-not". Everyone who appears to be happy with the decisions from General Convention are those who see this as a social or political issue; by adding too many "thou-shalt-nots" we alienate people from Christ. They find it acceptable to bend the theology to make sure people feel loved and welcomed by the church. I guarantee you that Christ loved the rich young man who asked how he could follow Him; but when the man wasn't willing to sell all he had and never look back (which was what Christ required of him at that time), Christ didn't say "Oh, well, I love you too much... why don't you just sell half of it?" He said, (with disappointment), "Well, then, I'm sorry, but that's the way it is." The church MUST stand firm on theology. This is not a social issue or a debate about loving our neighbors. This is about theology.

(An aside here: Everything I've read in this whole thing also states "tradition" and the "creeds and canons" next to "theology". What the unfamiliar reader needs to understand is that the theology (Holy Scripture) came first; the tradition, creeds and canons are built upon it and create the structure through which the Anglican Communion experiences the theology. Nothing in the tradition, creeds or canons may contradict the Scriptures, according to their own rules for creating them. So when the General Convention contradicts Scriptures, it is also contradicting the basic rules and tenants upon which the denomination was built.)

Okay. So. General Convention wants to allow practicing non-heterosexual people to become priests. I believe the wording was something along the lines of agreeing that "people who believe that they are non-heterosexual may also be called to the priesthood." I agree with that, God can call anyone. However, I take issue with the "practicing". In my understanding of spiritual reality, non-heterosexual practice is sin. I have yet to be presented with any adequate proof in the original Biblical languages or arguments to convince me that it's not a sin. Can I show Christ's love to folks who practice this way? Sure thing! However, if the Church preaches that homosexuality (and other non-hetero practices) are sin, then they should not become priests! No congregation would willingly and excitedly place a kleptomaniac priest who's proud of what he steals in the pulpit, because we all know that stealing is a sin. No congregation would excitedly call a priest who publicly brags (and provides proof) about how many times he cheated on his seminary exams, because cheating is a sin. If the Church believes that non-heterosexual practice is a sin, then these people should not be in the pulpit without repentance and a change of ways! However, if the church does not believe that it's a sin, then why are we discussing it? If it's a non-issue in theology, this would hold the same place as restricting someone from the pulpit because their hair is brown. As in all things here, this is a theology issue.

The third resolution has to do with our diocese helping to seek out and support smaller congregations around the country who are also baffled by the current events, but are either too busy or too small to have any impact. It's basically an outreach mission to our own people who haven't had a voice. The fourth resolution (I think) has to do with how we can change the Anglican Church in theologically sound ways to be applicable to the 21st century. I'm kind of unclear on that one, but we're getting there.

The other interesting event in the life of the church was the Pope's official invitation to disillusioned members of the Anglican Communion (Episcopal Church) to "rejoin" the Catholic Church, making exceptions for them in various traditions and so forth. And there's (surprising to me, but probably shouldn't be by now) quite a bit of positive response to the offer from the Anglican perspective.

This is another area in which my black and white understandings of theology rear their heads. Hopefully all of you have heard of this little bitty thing that happened way back when called the Reformation. Protestants happened (including The Protestant Episcopal Church of America) because people believed that the theology of the Roman Catholic Church was incorrect. The biggest difference, and an exceptionally vital one, was the understanding that Christ's resurrection brought us back to God through grace alone. Roman Catholics have a list of days they must attend church, a system of confession and penance in order to try to make up for their sins on their own. That fundamental theological difference demonstrates a different understanding of why Christ was even on the earth, and when you start changing that, the entire Bible (which ties together in purpose and understanding of God and spiritual reality from beginning to end) and knowledge of spiritual reality is changed. If people don't understand that, then I honestly question how close they may be to Christ at a personal level. If you are truly seeking to understand who God is and your place in the spiritual world, you wouldn't be willing to sacrifice with a leap from Protestant beliefs back to Roman Catholic beliefs for the sake of being guaranteed heterosexual and male priests. Giving up a Protestant world view for a Roman Catholic one is completely missing the underlying points and purpose that Christ has set for us. The difference between the two churches is their statements of how to be eternally saved and know God. To me, that's not negotiable; being "one holy and catholic apostolic church" (from the Nicene Creed) does not extend the meaning of a unified body of believers to the wafting flow of fundamental theology with the Roman Catholic Church. This is a theology issue.

As far as I can tell at this point, the national Episcopal Church is seeing Saturday's meeting either as a bunch of whiny people who don't like the rules trying to look tough or as a complete non-issue that's not worth consideration. But I, for one, am proud of Bishop Lawrence and the leaders in the diocese for recognizing that these are issues of theology and leading us in standing up for Christ and His kingdom. Though they don't have everything right (we are all human), they're willing to look and dig and strive to truly see what Christ wants for and from His church and they're willing to acknowledge and address the impacts that our humanity is having on the Church. In the book of John, Christ said, "²⁰Remember the words I spoke to you: 'No servant is greater than his master.' If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also. If they obeyed my teaching, they will obey yours also." The Bishop and our leaders have heard these words and are not afraid; they know it won't be easy. But when you choose to follow Christ, it's necessary to make a stand wherever it's needed in His name.

God speaks to me in airports

2009-09-28T14:50:00.005-04:00

We arrived at the Charlotte airport Wednesday just before noon, in plenty of time to catch our 2:30 flight to Chicago. I love experiencing the process of air travel and would choose it over road tripping any time finances allowed. I may, in fact, be slightly insane, but I think I'm okay with that.

Airports are enormous structures, thousands of people in a hurry; most of them angry because they're late or their liquid toiletries just missed the 3 oz. bottle limit, others of them seething inside because their job is to take away those toiletries with a happy face, as though they're teachers scoldingly taking away a six year old's toy during assembly, except that everyone realizes that the traveler simply wants to wash his hair at the end of the day. Then there's the running, and the gate changes, and the delays, and the waiting, and the $12 hamburgers, and the obnoxiousness found in all the people cramming into seats around you for an overbooked flight.

The thing of it is that as soon as I step through those CAUTION: AUTOMATIC DOORS with my luggage I no longer have to clean up cat vomit, or develop a paper on the inefficiencies of standardized testing in preschool, or worry about what's for dinner. I make a point to arrive early enough that I can saunter. For two or three hours I can snuggle into Lanse with a happy sigh while I watch the two 20somethings trying to jog down the hall with their hands in each other's pockets. I can grin at the four year old dressed top to bottom like an airline captain, his mother coaching him on how to speak nicely at the desk and hand the lady his ticket. I can cheerfully buy a bottle of water at the news stand and watch the haggard woman with very little English crack a smile after a long stream of grumbling customers. I can marvel at the beauty and the balance and artistic talent in the art on the slim woman's arm in the seat across the gate area. I can sympathize with the tired young mom and dad leading a trailing line of young children like goslings, each proudly pulling their own little tiny suitcase on wheels. I can watch and wonder at the lives of the tall woman in a party dress and stilettos running full-tilt to her gate trying not to break an ankle, or the nun standing in line to board for Cincinnati. And whether or not they're aware of it, God says, "These are mine".

I travel with my iPod Shuffle, a hand-me-down gift from my brother-in-law, because if I read or even focus on pictures while in motion I tend to get sick. Though I have no personal ideology against society's music, I happen to have my Shuffle packed with Christian music of varying genres. I leave my cares at the automatic door and have nothing else to focus on (except during the break when I learn that my nearest emergency exit is behind me), and all I can do is listen to the words. Through them God reminds me that He provides life and purpose, specifically for me, because He loves me, and I just can't sit still as the joy pours out. (Apologies to the woman sitting beside me trying to read!) Through the window I see the city getting smaller, and think of all the thousands of people down there and God whispers, "I am there, I know each one." We fly into a cloud gearing up for a storm and for a few long minutes there's only vaguely yellow nothingness; even the wing disappears for a moment. He says, "I'm here, too, in the nothingness." Then, suddenly, we break through and the sun is so bright that it's momentarily blinding. Blue sky fades into navy into dark as I look up. He directs my gaze down, to where there is a blanket of comforting whiteness between me and the world, and gives me images of beauty (beyond compare) and power (enough to create the weather) and love in the way He takes care of our need for rain and sun and growing things for life. Though this flight was in daytime, I traveled once at night and as we banked in a turn I looked out the window to gaze downward at a star. It is a truly stunning moment when you can imagine being above the stars. Even in the darkness He is not only there, but He put that star in the heavens for me to realize His greatness. He says, "This is who I am; look and see..." and I try to understand the kind of being who could make the clouds and the sunshine and the stars and the talents and ideas that let me soar in between them just so that I can know Him. That same being designed me, purely out of a desire to know and love me, exactly how He made me. I was thought up by the maker of stars and clouds and sunshine. And if stars and clouds and sunshine show who He is, how do I?

We're flying home on Wednesday, and I can't wait to see what He's going to show me. I pray that I remember to keep my eyes open.

Being Me

2009-09-21T19:19:00.006-04:00

I'm studying disability culture in my connections class this mod, and next term I have a six week course on Special Needs. We watched a video called "In My Language" made by Amanda Baggs, who has Autism, and though it was uncomfortable to watch, it seems to have broken through something in my head as to how I think about folks with these kinds of differences. I highly recommend watching it for a new perspective.

It's also odd going through these classes having been a special needs student myself. Though all I really needed was lower furniture, an extra set of textbooks and a few extra minutes to change classes, I technically was part of the Special Education department in high school (which sucked), but completely mainstreamed so it never even crossed my mind as being Who I Am. There are other times when it's completely obvious to me in both good and bad ways, so I thought I would share some of those with you.

[Okay, so I made a Pros and Cons list, but then the cons got me depressed, so I'm just leaving in a couple and will leave in the Pros so I feel better about me. Sounds like a plan.]

Pros ~~and Cons~~ of Being Me

Pro: I have never spent more than $10 on one blouse that I am aware of.

Pro: I've learned how to sew.

Pro: My house is obviously very clean, because I can't see any crumbs [dust/fingerprints/dirt] all over the kitchen counter [piano/fireplace mantle/bookshelves/buffet]. (Please bring a blindfold when you visit.)

Pro: We make good use of space to put most things in my house within my reach.

Pro: I tend notice people's shoes and interesting floor tiles or find random lost coins and things when I stand in lines. Related Con: I'm also eye (and nose) level with your backside, if you are in front of me. Please do not fart.

Pro: I can make use of the bottom shelves in my cabinets in my kitchen that most people don't.

Pro: I can sneak up on people and be otherwise surprising when I want to be.

Pro: I can see under things that are set on counters or stands, and often find interesting lost things there.

Pro: I can take amazing photos of children because I'm not off balance when I shoot at their level.

Pro: I can pet my cats as I walk past without bending over.

Pro: Flowers are closer; I stop and smell them frequently.

Pro: I can weed my container garden standing up (as long as the mosquitoes haven't drained me of blood for the day...)

Pro: I can get permission to ride my bicycle in unorthodox places, and I have a Go Anywhere 3-wheeler, in shiny metallic red.

Pro: I am educational to both the child who asks me questions and the child who runs backwards into a closed door because he's watching me instead of where he's going. I guarantee you both children learned something.

Pro: Friendly people carry my groceries (and other heavy things) to the car for me.

Pro: I often have to stay in one place waiting for people or things to happen. This is a "pro" because it's honed my observation skills and I get the joy of sitting by a lake surrounded by dragonflies, or people watching in the mall, or learning the patterns of the birds in my backyard or the neighbors to-ing and fro-ing, or catching up at church with people I wouldn't normally talk to much. Staying still and learning quiet is a blessing that I may not have been granted had I not been forced to sit down more frequently.

There's more on both sides of the coin, but that's a start anyway.

Romance (and other such things)

2009-09-17T19:41:00.003-04:00

I've written three or four blog posts in the elapsed month since my last post. Unfortunately, they were all written in my head while I was trying to go to sleep, and I never remember them in the morning. So, as a friend once blogged herself, unless you're psychic and were tuned in at the right times, you'll all just have to do without.

My husband and I are apparently really in tune with one another. (As an aside, I've noticed that the ladies in blogs that I read all give their husbands nicknames in the search for anonymity or discreetness. Nothing I think of feels right to me for mine though. Something to think about.) We've reached a new stage in our relationship where, though we're very much still in love and still even a bit smitten in the 'new love' kind of way, we're finding a groove for the long-term. We're exploring and finding ways that work for us in communication and conflict resolution, we've come a really long way in our ability to relate to life with each other - oddly enough through the Financial Peace University concept (we can actually joke together about money!), which relieved an awful lot of general family stress. And even though we get into that feeling that we can finish each others' sentences, we've realized that we still need to let them express it themselves, and sometimes recognize where our assumptions lay and when we need to clarify something before it becomes a conflict.

This is a good thing. It definitely feels new, but a lot more permanent... like something's really changed. It's a good thing, and necessary. But with the comfort of expression comes the willingness to tackle those things that we didn't know how to address before. Overall a good thing, but also a bit intimidating. No, my love (as I know you read this!), there's nothing in particular I want to bring up... I'm just noticing the more comfortable we are the more we've been exploring deeper life changes. We've been making the changes together, which is what we all hope to do in our marriages.

So by this point, you're looking at the title and going "Yeah, fine, but where's the romance!?" Today he had to actually go in to the office for meetings, and had quite an adventure with a tire blowout on the way. I knew he'd be tired and hungry when he got home at six, so I planned a special surprise dinner. I set the table upstairs (so he wouldn't know until eating time) with candles and our wedding china, which hadn't been used in at least a year, and got to cooking the steak. He got home, helped me a little bit in the kitchen, and then went ahead and set the table while I was cooking. That's becoming our routine when I cook, so I didn't think anything of it.

When the food was ready I turned around to notice that he'd set the dining room table with our wedding china, and made specially folded napkins, all to surprise me.

I'm completely blown away when things like this happen. We joke about sharing a brain and everyone knows that we really don't, but then we have the same idea at the same moment after a long period of time for no reason at all. I am so incredibly blessed that God saw fit to give me this man, and I hope that even when things get rough I will always see fit to be thankful.

Bishop Mark Lawrence's address to Clergy regarding the latest General Convention

2009-08-13T13:53:00.005-04:00

I'm so relieved that someone stepped up and spoke up for Truth for the Episcopal Church. Now I'm just praying that the fire is lit under each member of every congregation... so many regular attenders have no idea anything's going on, or at least they don't care or don't think it's important.

This letter is long, but well-written and worth reading in its entirety.

Bishop Lawrence's letter on Kendall Harmon's blog

End of July news

2009-08-02T11:50:00.003-04:00

There's really not much; I'm in Applied Math right now, and finding how much I really enjoy it even when it's hard. I was one of those obnoxious students who found school easy, even in High School, in everything except math. Of course, as one of those people, if it's hard it means you hate it... and I've always thought I hated math. But when I was teaching elementary math it started to be fun, and I found ways to do it differently. So now that I'm back in a college math course, I'm usually able to work for a while, take a break, get frustrated... and then really relish the victory when I figure it out. It's a good thing. I never liked challenges, school being easy made me lazy and proud of it. Now I'm kind of liking the challenge.

We're refinancing the house, finally, with the government help to banks for folks upsidedown on the mortgage (lost equity in the economy thing). That should close Tuesday.

We had new friends from church come over for lunch last week and we had a fabulous time. It's so good to find kindred spirit friends. They stayed a few hours, we had good food and lots of conversation and the kids were really good.

Spent a great time visiting my cousins last night. Good times. My one cousin lives here, but we don't see them very often because they're so busy. Her sister and her kids came to visit this week, so we had dinner over there. They'll be coming sometime this week for lunch too.

Otherwise, my bean plants finally have blooms, one pepper rotted but we picked the other one (haven't eaten it yet) and there's three new blooms, the onions are still kind of tall seedlings, I don't know if those will work out. We've eaten three tomatoes and there's four more green ones growing. I'm praying desperately that we avoid the rampant tomato blight that's killing the crops; one source said that it started with seedlings sold from Home Depot, Lowes, KMart and Target, and we got ours at Home Depot before the recall. Some leaves look strange, but the tomatoes look okay so far.

I woke up with a light headache today that I thought was tension in my neck, so I took an ibuprofen. Half hour later I got migraine symptoms, but can't take my migraine meds because I took the ibuprofen and they interact. I have to wait until the ibuprofen's worn off. So I'm missing church with only vague feeling in my hand and a small bit of pain starting to creep in my head. I love my mother's family enormously, but I really wish they'd refrained from passing along this little bit of genetics.

You know it's August when...

2009-08-02T11:33:00.003-04:00

...the school dreams start up again. Night before last mom took me back to Wheaton to settle me into the dorm. Apparently I had left four tall bookcases of books in the lobby as a library since I didn't want to move them the end of the previous year, and they were all still there but with evidence of having been read. Of course, the dorm didn't look at all like any dorms at Wheaton. My room was number 176, on the third floor, first door on the right after you got off the elevator. Everything was very bright with sunshine and the walls or carpet or something was pale blue. My roommate had already arrived, settled in, and was trying to go to sleep (it was suddenly night). Every dorm room came with a pet raccoon, which ran to the middle of the room and stared at me as I stood in the door talking to my nondescript roommate. After that it was all were-floormates and love magic and clones and weird computer stuff. And gaming friends from Reaper were there too.

Then last night I was a teacher on a field trip returning to Calvin, my Elementary and Middle school in Minnesota. For whatever reason I didn't know which room was mine, so I wandered down the Middle School wing and found my name above two different doors... apparently I was a part time in three different positions. I also wondered if my locker combination still worked. The classrooms looked pretty cool. Then we were preparing for parent night, and I was changing clothes in public, and a youngish male teacher ran into the room I was in and piled a bunch of stuff in the middle of the room and lit it on fire... and a bunch of us were throwing cupfuls of water on it, but it would die and spring back like trick birthday candles. My cats were there too, and I was trying to do all my prep for parent night and not let my boy cats find the other teacher's cats and start a fight.

I have to write a paper today, so we'll see if in tonight's episode I end up as the student or the teacher. It's early yet, odds are still pretty even.

Episcopal vs. Anglican

2009-07-01T10:58:00.007-04:00

Please keep in mind as you read this that I am simply a lay person with internet access and only two perspectives: mine, and that of our priest which I only sort of understand. What's written here is simply my overall understanding which, with my faulty memory, may be inaccurate. For more information on all of this, please visit Rev. Canon Dr. Kendall Harmon's blog which links to all of the official news releases. Here's a link to a search on the topic.

We are a part of a wonderful family of believers at an Episcopal church here in Charleston. For folks unfamiliar with Episcopalian origins, here's a very abbreviated version: when folks left England to settle in the New World (America) most of them had worshiped in the Church of England, also known as Anglican today. Of course, they didn't want to be connected to England anymore, so they renamed it "Episcopal". In its roots, Episcopal = Anglican.

In the recent era, (I forget for how long, since the '70s I think...) there've been a lot of questionable statements and decisions made by various Bishops in the interpretation of Scripture and a lot of the foundational things summarized in the Creeds, such as Christ being God's Son, the Bible being the direct Word of God, and their understanding of what things are sins and to what extent that should influence leadership appointments. Because the organization of the national Episcopal Church is more independently democratic than heirarchical, there aren't necessarily people who can directly apply consequences to questionable decisions in any easy fashion. So the Episcopal church (officially recognized as part of the worldwide Anglican Communion) is pretty screwed up, and the details of the theology seems to be somewhat unique by congregation or diocese (a group of congregations in a stated area). Our church and our diocesean Bishop are pretty much on track according to Lanse and my understanding of scriptures, and we are doing what we can to have a voice for Truth in the whole Episcopalian mess.

However, a bunch of congregations decided they were fed up with it all, and created a more theologically traditional organization called the Anglican Church of North America (ACNA). It was all made official last week down in Texas. The weird thing is that there are a lot of Anglican churches in Africa who saw the mess the Episcopalians were making, and many years ago sent missionaries to the US to plant Anglican churches. (How weird is that?? We sent missionaries to Africa back in the '60s and now they're sending them back to missionary us!) At Easter we went to an African-planted Anglican church in Charlotte. Remember that at its roots, Episcopal = Anglican; so though many are seeing it as a split from the church, the ACNA was created to basically bring the USA's Anglican presence back to where they think it should have been, more in line with its Church of England roots. The ACNA has quite a lot more members than I expected from what I'd heard thus far, but while the Archbishop of Canterbury has called them an Anglican organization, they haven't been officially recognized yet as part of the worldwide Anglican Communion. According to some news articles, that vote won't happen until December.

The whole thing has made me assess once again what I believe on specific topics and how I mentally categorize information, and what opinions I hold based on evidence versus rumor or hard-headedness. While I definitely believe that the statements made by Episcopal bishops are waaaaay off track and can point to scripture to back up my beliefs, I know there's at least one thing in which the ACNA may be going too far back into tradition; I don't know what other things they've made a stand on, but there could be more. I don't know if this is because they honestly believe in these things or if they're reactionary decisions. They've also aligned themselves with a very popular theological leader who I've been shown evidence of questionable leanings in his theology... however, this is one area in which I've unfortunately decided based on rumor and the source of information, and have not personally read any of his books. That tendency has always strongly bothered me in other people so I really need to take the time to do my own research, as he seems to be acquiring more power in Christendom and I may want to have an actually educated opinion.

This whole situation has weighed heavily on Lanse and my heart since we were originally informed of the issues months ago. We both grew up in denominations without any kind of obvious structure like the Episcopal Church has, the denominational theological perspectives were clearly written and heavily preached upon, and obvious disagreements were settled relatively quickly. Of course, any group comprised of humans have problems, and a lot of our church interactions were passive aggressive or handled entirely behind the scenes, or not given due consideration before rendering judgement. But something of this scale would never be given enough ground in which to root itself. (As an aside, that's not always a good thing... we both often heard or experienced church splits when the issue really was worth standing and fighting for. I can think of at least one congregation from my childhood where the church happily continued its merry way with suddenly faulty theology.) Despite all this, we both feel very strongly called to be part of the family in our congregation.

Please pray for the national Episcopal church, the discussions and votes on theological matters that will be made at the General Convention in California in a couple of weeks, the interactions between us and the ACNA, the ACNA and the Archbishop and worldwide Communion, our S.C. bishop and priests at St. Paul's... and Lanse and myself as we try to determine where we fit in all of it.

Again, for more information on all of this, please visit Rev. Canon Dr. Kendall Harmon's blog which links to all of the official news releases. Here's a link to a search on the topic.

Beans!

2009-06-16T10:54:00.003-04:00

Holy jumping green bean, Batman! Check it out:

9:30 a.m. yesterday, June 15

Lanse says that when he got up this morning just after 7:00 it was taller, but had no leaves on it. Here's what I found when I went to the kitchen at 9:30 this morning, 24 hours later, June 16:

You can't quite tell from the angle of this shot, but the plant is curled towards the window. I turned it around after taking this photo, and now, at just after 11:00, all the leaves have opened out and it's curled toward the window again... in the other direction. If I had any faith in my self-discipline, I would set up a same-angle shot every 20 minutes for the rest of the day to watch this sucker's growing action! It appears I may have planted the cousin to Jack's Magic Bean!

Garden Pix

2009-06-15T13:00:00.006-04:00

Click the photo for the set on Flickr.

P.S. Something is eating holes in the basil (not gnawing the edges), and it's not me. I can't find any bugs or worms or spiders on the leaves or in the pot though, so I don't have a solution at the moment. Suggestions welcome.

Self-sufficiency

2009-06-09T19:51:00.002-04:00

We're nowhere near capable of being self-sufficient in comparison to friends of ours, but at the very least we may not have to frequent the produce aisle as much this summer. Last year the whole garden thing was an experiment, since I'd never grown food before (except the raspberries that came with our last house). We had tomatoes and green bell peppers, basil, rosemary and marjoram that did lovely things. Cukes and strawberries bombed.

So this afternoon we hit Home Depot Garden Center and got the things that did well last year, though I got something called Patio Tomatoes which they claim are better suited for container gardening (last year's were regular tall growers and kept falling over because everyone was sold out of tomato trellis things). Tomatoes, green peppers, basil, (the rosemary and marjoram are still going strong from last year... in fact, I should give the rosemary its own pot). But I couldn't just leave it at that, I have to continue the experimentation! I got seeds for green onions, because we've started eating a lot of those, and for green beans "bush beans", that apparently don't climb so hopefully they'll do okay in a really big pot. We'll see! All of the plants say "full sun: min 6 hours daily", and if there's anything the south's got enough of, it's sunshine. I really do want to spring for the container soaker hose I saw in a magazine once, but I couldn't find it back when I had the money for it, and now I don't. Stick one of those on a timer and we'll have the heat licked. I'll have to budget it in if I can find it again.

I got the seeds planted in peat pots, and planted the basil, and got the dirt set up for the pepper and tomato, at which point the mosquitoes were having an all church pot-luck on my legs so I gave it up. Tomorrow those two get into the dirt.

Oh, and Home Depot has a 1 year guarantee on the plants so if the Japanese beetles get any - or I kill them by treating the beetles, like last year - I can get a new one for free!

I will definitely keep you updated.

Trek

2009-05-31T23:09:00.006-04:00

I remember sitting on my parent's bed when I was a child watching the original series Star Trek with my dad. I didn't really stop watching Trek until the third season of DS:9 and the second season of Voyager, (laying on the floor in the family room with my dad on the couch behind me) at which point it didn't hold enough interest for me to stay with it through college. While I have very vivid dreams at night, they're entirely of my own creation, the characters being people I know in my real life... except for the few that revolved around episodes of Doctor Who and Star Trek. I've had Star Trek cast dreams since High School. But over all, Star Trek is nostalgic happy memories with me and my dad, a half hour (or hour) every evening after the news when I knew that I got Dad Time no matter how bad a day it was for him at the office. Star Trek is a part of me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm coming out. I hereby admit that I [may be] a closet Trekkie. Except that I've been smart enough to realize that being a Trekkie is kind of embarrassing, so I'm a Trekkie without the obsession. I'm not sure exactly what that makes me. Probably just a squeeing fangirl. Regardless, Lanse pointed out on our drive home tonight that I've probably seen more Star Trek episodes than he has, which has the potential of me having been a geek sooner than he became one. And that, my friends, creates quite a paradigm shift in my head. (I think it'll all come down to the date of my first Star Trek episode against the date of his first very own computer. We'll get back to you on that.)

Overall, the new Star Trek movie is very much like going to visit someone for the first time and discovering that their house has exactly the same layout as your own. You're very comfortable in their house - you know where the bathroom is without having to ask - but it feels completely different because it's someone else's house. (Yes, I did just compare Star Trek to a bathroom... but in a good way!)

I absolutely loved this movie. I had a very hard time driving home because I wanted to set a course at warp speed and not get a speeding ticket. For me, big screen power makes real world power-hungry. Instead I resorted to a great deal of maniacal laughter just for kicks and only a little (teensy!) speeding. Finally, as someone else on the internet said earlier (no idea who, but I read it somewhere), I really was expecting Spock to calmly point at someone and slice their head open. I feel concerned that Zachary Quinto has been typecast (he's much too good an actor and too cute for that), and suddenly realizing the similarities between Spock and Sylar's demeanors was quite unsettling. But I think they did a fantastic job of creating an updated redesign and staying true to the important things while becoming something entirely new at the same time.

Final verdict: Me + Star Trek = Happiness

Now we just have to figure out how to go back and rewatch the entire original and TNG series without any breaking laws. Wish us luck. Or long life and prosperity... that'll work too.

I now pronounce you...

2009-05-29T14:19:00.005-04:00

Ten years ago at this very moment we were doing this:

Thank you, Lansing my love, for sticking with me over the last decade, for supporting me, for sometimes making my coffee and doing my laundry, for working your tail off so we could have a good home, for holding me when I cry for no reason and being goofy with me and making me laugh until I cry. And also for not smearing the cake all over my face.

I love you.

Writer's Block Unblocked

2009-05-28T16:37:00.005-04:00

There's been so much going on so quickly that I've suffered a bit of writer's block, which is really quite frustrating. Needless to say, we're home and simultaneously content and discontent. Overall content, I think... the discontent solely revolves around living so far from everyone we love.

My father explained this past weekend that the curse of my generation is that we think too much, evidenced by the blogging phenomenon, I would guess. His parent's generation and earlier had too much hard work to do just to survive; Dad's generation had a good work ethic but also recognized that their parents had worked so hard that they generally failed to build deeply solid relationships with their kids. So his generation got touchy-feeley but still productive, and produced all kinds of convenience things to leave my generation with just the touchy-feeley and loads of idle time on our hands. With as much mental agony I put myself through I'm wholeheartedly behind his theory.

Before our trip to Dallas, I frantically did my homework and submitted inquiries on 24 children (or sibling-groups), getting our adoption inquiry process organized and paperwork assembled and such. Then we flew off, and had a lovely time with our friends which I sort of posted about two entries ago. Came home, frantically finished my last week of homework for the term, put in more inquiries, cleaned the house a little bit, loved on the cats, and then we drove off to Ohio to see family.

We had a great time. Some folks had arrived on Wednesday; we arrived Friday, some arrived Saturday morning. Everyone was there for Saturday dinner, and then some Wednesday arrivers left after dinner and different families left at various times between then and Tuesday, which is when we left. I think everyone was gone by that evening. "Everyone" equals 46 (and #47 due next week), but Uncle David, cousins Kelly and Cara, and Cara's husband and kids weren't there. So Saturday dinner fed... 39. It was a lot of fun, but took everyone by unhappy surprise when people started leaving right away.

At least my family really embraced the idea of "vacation". We all sat around talking, eating, watching movies, and at most times of the day there was at least one person taking a nap. There was ping-pong and Rook and sports events and my uncle's gun room that the guys liked to poke around in, and an enormous yard backing up to a horse ranch, and lots of little kids running around. My brother, his wife, and my Kaylee were there, which was (of course) the best part. My uncle had put up a large canvas canopy on each level of the deck and one out in the yard, and at one point we had a sudden and enormous storm which deposited the upper canopy on the roof of the house. That was interesting. The canopy frame was damaged, but the roof and gutters were fine.

So we came home on Tuesday to three very insecure felines and a bit of the plague. Someone at the reunion shared some germs (the second youngest was feverish when we first arrived, so I assume it was her); but both my folks and my darling husband have had fever and sore throat and stuff. After talking to my recently plagued father on the phone, it sounds like Lanse got away with just a mild case, and he's been miserable. So far I'm unaffected, but we'll see how it goes.

So now I'm home and this is my week of vacation from school, so I'm really being wasteful with my time. I almost framed and hung some African art that I have, but the frame I was going to use isn't big enough. I have done three loads of laundry, so that's something. There's one left to do, which I shall do soon. We have no food in the house except for leftovers from pizza we ordered last night, because we finished it all before we left so it wouldn't go bad. At some point a trip to Walmart is in order. I also got my term grades and have maintained my happy G.P.A. Our social worker is working from home this week, which means that she's writing someone's homestudy and is hard to reach. This bothers me because she's failed to update me on what I should be doing this week while I have the free time. So I spent some of that free time getting tickets for our trip to New York over July 4. Time well spent, I think.

My final bit of exaltation is that last night I finally finished reading my Bible cover to cover. Well, really middle to middle, since I started in Matthew back in 2006. But this is the first time I've read the entire Book; I'm 32 (was 29 when I started) and before that my overall Bible knowledge was actually a lot deeper, but was kind of dipped... I knew specific areas really well and had never heard of others. Now I know that I've laid eyes on the whole thing, whether or not it made any sense. I start again tonight.

And that, as they say, is that.

Travel

2009-05-23T11:11:00.003-04:00

We drove from Charleston to Zanesville, Ohio, yesterday. I really love driving, especially in good weather in the mountains. Lanse let me sleep about an hour and I did all the rest. We had good weather for the whole trip, the first time in a while. This is the same route we take when we drive from the Carolinas to New York, so we're pretty familiar with it, and normally we hit some nasty blinding precipitation, typically on the turnpike with semi-trucks behind us.

This time we had sunshine and a few clouds, and only one very aggressive truck on our bumper. Almost all of the CDs we have in the car have been scratched, so we went through them and switched them out when they started skipping. It was slightly annoying, but we managed. We arrived to find everyone having dinner. I hadn't realized that everyone actually managed to come to the reunion except one uncle, so that's pretty cool. My brother and fam arrive at noon, and Mom and I are meeting them at the hotel.

My favorite quote from the drive, while in the mountains: "Dude, this is the perfect music for this game... I mean driving..." (me) "Should I take over now?" (Lanse)

Environmental Identity

2009-05-21T21:07:00.006-04:00

I was once again reminded of how the environment has the ability to begin defining who you are. Of course, I say "begin" because at some point you realize that you are being defined instead of defining yourself and put a kibosh on the whole thing. At least one would hope.

What I'm talking about is that phenomenon* where you act in one way say, at school, and another way at work and another way at home. It's not really a different "you", it's really more like different parts of you; you can be the controlling organizational one at work, the quiet studious one at school who sits in the back, the obnoxious baseball fan, and enjoy reading in front of the fire in the evenings, but friends who only know you in one situation may have a completely different picture of what defines "you" than someone in a different situation. That is what I'm talking about.

The next question then is why am I talking about it? We went to ReaperCon in Dallas** this last weekend, and I was surprised to find myself needing time to adjust to myself. There were a couple of people I'd never met (or forgot I met) with whom I found myself acting, or wanting to act, one way. I helped out running the registration desk, which brought out my repressed administrative skills and a little bit of my power-hungry side. I can be very power hungry, but simultaneously insecure, which makes for a very interesting and sometimes poorly-controled result. I don't know if it's greed or self-defense, honestly. Anyway, the strangest thing was that, even though the gaming world is something that I treasure because Lanse and I enjoy it together, in that specific setting I realized that I did not know how to interact with him. He went to his corner of the convention, I stayed in mine; and while I was very proud of him, I couldn't cognitively decide what was the best way to be around him there. The wife-me conflicted with the leader-me which conflicted with the artist-me and the socialite-flirty-me. It's been so long since I've defined myself as anything other than wife-me that I had to take actual moments to stop and make decisions about who I was.

In the end, though, I figured me out. Now that we're home, I kinda miss the me that found balance... again. ReaperCon was fantastic, seeing all the old friends and finding new friends who felt like old friends. The artist-me got some painting time, which turned out okay even without proper light. Lanse won two bronze medals for his painting, and I am so proud of him that it aches. Being one of Bryan's assistants was sort of like when you're a kid visiting your dad's office and being allowed to run errands; everyone knows you and lets you go into restricted areas but you don't really know the rules so you get away with more than you should... and you know it. There's a bit inside every kid who feels at home somewhere away from home where they're given freedom to run around, and that's what it was like. Home away from home. Except now that we're actually home, I feel like I'm not myself again.

We're having a family reunion this weekend at my uncle's house. I'm curious as to which parts of me will be the most obvious.

I also think that perhaps I think too much.

*doot doo-doot doot
** Pictures of the event are on my flickr account and I also did a set called Monkey Goes to ReaperCon that Reaper's webmaster, Kit, hosted for me.

Crock pot balsamic chicken

2009-05-12T14:46:00.007-04:00

This is a food post. If you are not hungry now, you will be. Don't hold it against me if you keep reading.

I needed something to make for supper. Yesterday I found chicken breasts in the freezer and brought them out but they didn't thaw in time to do anything useful with. So today I decided I'd crock pot em. But how? And with what flavors? We're leaving town for a couple of weeks, and have been wearing our pantry and fridge pretty thin, since we don't want to restock before we leave. After some Googling, I came across this stove top recipe, which seemed a good a place to start as any:
http://www.cooks.com/rec/view/0,1739,154179-231197,00.html

First I opened the chicken package. Okay, when it says "Chicken breasts" with no quantity, but it's an armful for me, I figure 4 small or medium, like the size you get in a bag from Tysons. What I got were 2 enormous chicken breast fillets, half an inch thick, and the two didn't fit side by side in the 6 qt. crock. Fit in as best I could, just the chicken fills 1/2 the pot. Lanse and I could make a meal with leftovers from just one, but it's chicken... and we're leaving town.... and it's been thawed.... so it's gotta be cooked. It all went in.

As mentioned before, this is not a crock pot recipe. It takes the chef through the process of breading and frying the chicken. I prefer baked over fried, generally better for you anyway, so I just ignored the flour and oil and whatever else they had related to frying the chicken. Into the pot with the chicken I put a can of mushrooms (drained), and then the herbs and spices, and the ingredients for the sauce (chicken stock and balsamic vinegar). We get concerned about acidity levels around here, so I only put in half the balsamic, which smells like plenty. I also had a problem because it says to put in a bay leaf and then remove it later, but all I had was a jar of crushed up bay leaves. So I looked up the equivalences and threw it in there. I expect that will change the flavor from the original recipe. The other conversion I had to do was that I didn't have any fresh garlic, only garlic salt. So I figured out those numbers and made the change. There's a pretty good chance this'll be too salty, between the garlic salt, chicken stock, and the fact that habit found me with the kosher salt & peppering that I automatically do to all my meats. But if that's the case, we can forgo the sauce and just eat the chicken.

Now, here's where it got interesting. Crock pot rules are typically that "Low" = 6-7 hours, and "High" = 3-4 hours, so you can time it to eat when you want. I got everything in at 12:30, and Lanse has to be somewhere at 5:30, so I figured that High was the safest bet. So I set it on there, and let it go. Right around 2:00 I thought, "Ya know, this is chicken, and I got this new spiffy probe thermometer..." So I stuck it in the biggest chicken piece and set it for 161. (The guide on the back said Poultry is safe at 165 and there's always carryover to plan for.)

The timer went off 20 minutes ago. That'd be 2:40. Just a wee bit early.

So... I basted the tops to keep them moist, turned it down to Low, and here's praying it doesn't all dry out by the time dinner comes 'round. I gotta tell you all though, it's times like these when I pray for the invention of Smell-o-Vision. I could just sit and breathe this in all day long, and I'd love to be able to share it!

My final step will be to pour the juices into a pan and thicken it with a little corn starch for a good sauce. There was a similar step in the original recipe which relied on the flour from frying the chicken, so that's an acceptable replacement and goes more quickly than making a roux. I'm also leaving out the butter because the chicken fat will have contributed quite enough, thanks.

My final final step will be to make some noodles and a veggie to go with it.

I just finished lunch, but in writing this post I'm really hungry again! I guess I've only myself to blame...

Setting examples

2009-05-10T16:11:00.002-04:00

I am SO PROUD of my baby brother.

As the eldest, it is my responsibility to set a good example; failing out of college really didn't help in that department. My brother tried college for a bit, then ran away to the Army. One side of our extended family wailed at the obvious loss of a successful future on our parts; the other side embraced us seemingly because of our failures. Strange world. So then he got married and went back to school while still in the military and working, had a baby. I've gone back to school too. But now... NOW...

Well, just LOOK what he did!!

He went and got himself a spiffy hat!

Way to let your big sister set a good example. *grin* I love you, bro. Well done.

(Oh, and for everyone else: any post-college employment prayers for him would be highly appreciated. Thanks!)

Tribute to Moms

2009-05-10T10:14:00.008-04:00

At least for me, this is when all the Mother's Day stuff started. I don't know if my mom's first Mother's Day had come yet or (having been born in January) if I was still too young. I'm the little one you can't see very well because everyone chose to wear white with the sun shining on them. My mom is holding me, her mother is behind her, and my grandpa's mom is in front. Four generations, three moms.

We all grew up, and then my brother and Rachel created generation 5. Way to go, Bro! Rachel is a fantastic mom, and we dote over Kaylee like... well, like you'd expect with the first Grandbaby. Some day soon we hope to expand Gen 5, though Mother's Day will most likely not be the best day of the year. But I'm looking forward to finding out!

We absolutely must not ever forget to mention this wonderful Mom, the mother of my husband. Aren't they all so cute? Thank you, Corky, for being such a wonderful Mom and for raising Lanse to be so wonderful as well.

There are many more photos I could share, and would, as well as many sappy "I did this with my Mom once" stories. However, I have no more time right now, but that doesn't make their morals any less true:

WE LOVE YOU, MOMS!!

Crock Pot Quiche

2009-05-09T09:55:00.002-04:00

Although I located much encouragement on the internet about making quiche in my crock pot, I don't recommend it. I wouldn't have tried if Googleland screamed BAD, and it wasn't really horrible. It baked just fine and looked quite pretty in the pot, and didn't actually taste bad. (Didn't really taste good either.) But the consistency was just what you'd expect with a wet cooking method; kind of slimy and pocked like coral. It looked very... odd... once it was cut. My mouth didn't enjoy the experience.

Final verdict: Don't make quiche in a crock pot, even though you can.

Hunny

2009-05-06T14:09:00.005-04:00

Based upon the evidence at Heidi's post, I have just returned home with a jar of local honey from Bee City, which is somewhere around here, though I bought it at a produce stand on Central Avenue, but after Central turned into something else. The theory is that if I am allergic to South Carolina, after a few weeks of eating honey I won't be anymore.

Here are a few honey-related thoughts for your contemplation:

"Well," said Pooh, "what I like best -- " and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn't know what it was called”

"That buzzing-noise means something. If there's a buzzing noise, somebody's making a buzzing-noise, and the only reason for making a buzzing-noise that I know of is because you're a bee. ....
And the only reason for being a bee that I know of is making honey.....
And the only reason for making honey is so as I can eat it."

Image linked to source

Moving forward

2009-05-04T14:16:00.002-04:00

WE'RE HOMESTUDY READY!!

Please take the time to read this post at our adoption blog. In order to find our child, we need to network ourselves and get our name known in the Social Worker fields. We desperately need your help in getting that done, and that link will clarify what we're hoping you can help with.

Thanks so much for all your prayers and support. The past two+ years were the busywork; now we're starting the truly emotional bit, and it could take a while. Please continue to pray!

Beginnings

2009-04-27T20:17:00.007-04:00

In the mid 1970s, a Bible missionary's daughter raised in Africa met a street-wise lapsed Catholic from Chicago at a graduation party. I can only imagine how the innocence she gained through her faith and a third-world country upbringing clashed with his long hair, cigarette smoking, beer drinking, dirt-bike-racing way of life. He asked her out; after determining he wasn't a Christian, she said no. The first outing they had together was to a Bible Study, where he asked hard questions and heard the Lord speak. He responded clearly and surely, independently of his interest in the missionary's daughter. A few years later they married.

It was a Wednesday in early January when she went into labor with her first child, having no idea how their lives were about to change. Things weren't too bad at that point, so she carried on doing laundry and making dinner, completing the chores for the day, and again on Thursday. On Friday she went to the hospital to began the hard and complicated labor.

Her daughter came into the world around 8:40 Saturday morning, throwing everything into a panic. Something was wrong, her proportions were all off, her head too big and her limbs too small... there was no way to have foreseen this. There were tests and scans and then she went into the incubator. Organs were missing; or maybe there were extra ones; there had to be brain damage. Really, no one had seen this before, no one knew what to do. The doctors broke the news: "She won't last the night." The baby's father, new in faith, went home and sobbed.

She lasted the night. But the damage was obviously too severe, they could tell just by looking. "She won't last the week." When they brought her out of incubation and she breathed just fine, they sent her home. There was nothing they could do, it was more kind to let her live out her short life at home. So they took her home, in tears and mourning and fear and questioning God and relying on faith and prayer.

She made it through that month, and then through the year. Her parents taught her about God's love and His hand in her life, and how He brought them peace even when there was very little understanding. And then they realized that she wasn't slowing down; there was no sign of an end, only a beginning. Slowly they put their life back together.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It wasn't until I was 7 years old that my father met a woman at work who looked as I could have looked at her age. She directed our family to Little People of America, where we finally received a diagnosis of Spondyloepiphyseal Dysplasia, a form of Dwarfism. Missing parts: Zero. Brain damage: None. Predicted lifespan: Normal.

Rediscovering Me

2009-04-23T22:20:00.000-04:00

Life is about changes; transitions from one place to another, from one purpose to another, from one being to another. They say that the person you are today is a completely different person from who you were ten years ago and who you'll be ten years from now. So far, at the age of 32, I've had four major transitions in my life which redefined who I am. Two years into the results of the most recent transition I am again - still - exploring how God is shaping me.

Tomorrow I will be baptized in the Atlantic Ocean as a symbol and acceptance of Christ's sacrifice done out of overwhelming love for me. On Sunday morning I will be confirmed by the Bishop in the rite for Adult Confirmation. I've been told by the priests and other church-member witnesses of previous rites that Something Happens during these sacraments, indescribable Spirit things that are part of the holy mysteries of the faith. Many at our church believe they have witnessed a direct transfer of Holy Spirit power through the Bishop at confirmation. I hope for this, though I doubt in the same way I doubt other denominations' speaking in tongues, mostly because it's beyond my understanding. Despite my doubt I also long for that kind of a connection to my Lord.

So why is this here instead of under the "Faith" tab? Through the last two weeks or so I've been preparing for the Baptism and confirmation with a lot of thought, and a lot of questioning my childhood and details of what I believe. I'm hoping that tomorrow will mark a fifth transition in my life, taking elements of the five previous people I've been and combining them intentionally into a common goal: becoming who God wants me to be. Over the next few months I hope to review my past and set goals for the future, and embrace the next adventure of rediscovering me.

Boredom la-dee-dah... TOOMUCHTODO!!

2009-04-17T11:37:00.000-04:00

So life was trucking along on a relatively even pace when it was suddenly stunned by everything happening at once. (Thus, of course, I blog. *heh*)

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Nicholas arrives tomorrow and will be around until Tuesday, I think. This is a very good thing. We have many ideas but no plans, which is typically how everyone around here likes things. He is bringing our kayak and some paddles, but we have nowhere to store it and no roof rack to actually get it to water. We're hoping to replicate Steve's "hang it from the garage rafters" scenario for storage. Of course we got a car that doesn't come with roof rack as an option, so we'll have to dig up the cash for a custom fitted one. We'll see how all that goes.

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I ended my last class with a 98.23%. It's sufficient. *heh* Started a new one this week on "Children, Family, and Community", and it seems to be ok... though repeating a lot of stuff we've already had, and not to much more depth than the first time. But we'll see. It's an instructor I haven't had, and she seems to be rather hands-off right now. It's her first term teaching for Walden, though she's taught many years in a community college. I wish I was more optimistic.

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We are going through the Anglican class, which ends in Adult Confirmation. In order to be confirmed, you have to have first been baptized. There has been a family story that said when I was an infant, a Catholic family member got permission and a vial of Holy water and baptized me in the kitchen sink, since there was doubt about my continuing existence. My parents (being of the 'baptizing is for adults' vein) taught me that it didn't really count. They also taught me that communion was acceptable to take when I was old enough to understand it. In the church we currently attend, they accept infant baptisms and require baptism for taking of communion. I've been content with that thus far. However, because the Confirmation is a rite with the Bishop that requires having been baptized, and I was becoming more and more uneasy about not knowing for sure, I called the family member related to the story. Who has no recollection whatsoever and after lengthy discussion it was all agreed that even if it had, the situation 32 years ago would not have warranted the church having any record of it.

The moral of the story is that next Saturday we will be Dave Ramsey "Sell so much stuff the kids think they're next"ing at Wescott from 7am to 10:45, leaving the table to Jen and running to church for the 11:00 Confirmation rehearsal, running back to Wescott to clean up by 1:00, running home to meet my parents who are driving in from Charlotte, hitting the road for Seabrook by 2:00, and by 4:00 I will be immersed for Baptism in the Atlantic Ocean. Then Sunday morning Lanse and I will be confirmed.

Anyone who wants to come is welcome, but let us know because Seabrook is gated and we'll need to call in a pass for you.

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Adoption homestudy update! Which adds a trip to Columbia to the list of things to do in the next two weeks.

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We also needed to have physicals redone for the homestudy. I called and made the appointment Tuesday morning, went to bed Tuesday night with a sore throat, woke with a fever, and went to the appointment Thursday feeling horrid. Still feel horrid. I'm going out this morning (when I stop typing) to get my medications.

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Things to do by next Saturday:

Pick up meds and med equipment (need a mask for the nebulizer)
Get better
Finish up stuff to sell at the sale
Wrap up last month's budget info and complete this month's (which already started)
Write two papers by Sunday night
Clean the house for Nick (which is a disaster because of crafting stuff for the sale)
Get groceries (we're out of everything)
Bake bread (see previous)
Do stuff with Nick
Purchase and install kayak storage system
Possible going away party for a friend tomorrow night
Church
Tuesday night class
Meet with Doug about the baptism
Do Week 2 homework (readings, discussion posts x3, 2 papers)
Clean the house for my parents
Host my parents
Travel to Columbia for homestudy stuff?
Survive through next weekends' schedule
NOT PANIC

That is all.

Easter 2009

2009-04-12T07:56:00.000-04:00

No matter what you believe spiritually, you can't deny the intense amount of love it would take for someone to willingly submit themselves to a public torture and death on your behalf for a crime they didn't commit. There's no power on earth that would motivate that kind of choice aside from an overwhelming love.

The thing of Easter is that that very thing happened, and Christ came back. Anyone can die; I'd wager there are even people who do feel so intense a love that they would be willing to - or already have - die for someone else in horrible and humiliating ways. What makes today so completely and vitally important is ...He didn't stay dead.

In the last few years I've awakened on Easter Sunday so bursting with gratitude that I put on the praising music and danced around the kitchen. That the ruler and creator of the universe held that kind of love for me just fills me with overwhelming joy. I'm a bit more subdued this year, contemplative and tired, but still soaking in bewildered joy and gratitude to Him.

I hope today brings you joy and a deeper understanding of His love for you.

Thursday Randomness

2009-04-09T11:31:00.000-04:00

Last night we attended our church's Tenebrae service. Some Anglican and Episcopal congregations do this on Holy Wednesday, but Catholics and others do it on Holy Thursday or Good Friday "The purpose of the Tenebrae service is to recreate the emotional aspects of the passion story..." which went from the story of Judas checking in with the Sanhedrin to set his silver price to the crucifixion of Christ. In the middle were readings from the Old Testament from times when the Israelites were crushed and abandoned and felt forsaken by God. After each reading a candle was extinguished, until only the Christ candle was left; that was removed after the crucifixion and brought back in at the end. In all honesty, I was a bit bored... it was all readings, we sang two hymns that were pretty and solumn but weren't ones that I really emotionally connect to; it was hard to see the litergy and hymn words because it was held by candlelight, and I was focusing (physically and mentally) too hard on following the service to actually internalize it. After the Christ candle was removed from the church (walked out the front door) we said the Lord's Prayer, and that was incredible. It just had a much deeper emotional meaning at that specific point in time. Overall though, I think I've been most affected by the first CRC Tenebrae service that I went to; there was just enough difficulty for me to participate in this one for me to get emotionally involved.

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On a much lighter note, Aleta Meadowlark asked this question today in her lovely food blog, Omnomicon: "What are your top 10 herbs and spices?" So I figured I'd share mine, in no particular order. (S&P are a given, btw.)

Garlic Salt
Savory
Rosemary - fresh from the garden
Marjoram - fresh from the garden
Basil - fresh from the garden
Curry Powder
Paprika
Coriander (don't use it often because it's whole and I haven't got a grinder, but I love the flavor.)
Lawry's Season All Season Salt (yeah, I know)
Chives/Green Onion (technically more a vegetable than an herb, but I make it work)

We're having chicken wraps for lunch, with lots of Lawry's. Yum!

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My right foot hurts pretty badly when I walk on it; it's something in putting pressure on my heel that radiates pain down to my toes. Sigh.

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I contested a deduction on my last paper of Week 5 (last week), and my instructor changed my grade! Woo! Go Instructor!

I now have access to my classroom for the new class that starts Monday. It's called "Child, Family and Community Relationships" and is my final course for the 1000 level courses. After this I get to dive into Preschool specific courses. Yay! I have an instructor I haven't had before. We'll see how it goes.

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I love watching the bird bath out here when it's a gorgeous day and I've just refilled it and then sat quietly and patiently waiting. Papa Bluebird took a dip a couple times and then got into a fight with another male Bluebird; the finches (I've figured out how to identify between a male house finch and a purple finch! We have both!) did some low swooping but didn't stop, a mockingbird took a drink and bopped around in the leaves for a bit, and two male cardinals chased each other around the tree. There was something enormous in the neighbor's far tree watching it all, but it silhouetted against the sky and I couldn't identify it.

Learnin'

2009-04-06T18:15:00.000-04:00

In a burst of uncharacteristic motivation, I spent all last week learning. I learned about Anglicans, I learned about children's health, I learned about Social Services, I learned about Academic Advising, I learned a bit about my instructor, I learned some XML, and I learned about myself.

'Twas an awful lot of learnin', and it made my brain hurt.

So I'll try to make this quick:

I just might be Anglican by belief, my "baptism" is accepted, I could have it re-affirmed or get confirmed, depending on what I want. There's a recommended church in Charlotte, but it's smack in the downtown and quite a goodly hike from my folks', and they don't have a Saturday evening service. My mom wants us all together for Easter service, as she should; they're very much not Anglican, so we're facing the 'can't please everyone all the time' scenario.
Proper nutrition is important, especially in growing kids. Nutrients work together to make the body go. Energy balance is vital.
Our case worker has done all her prepping for her 'sit down and write' day, which is sometime this week.
I have a new Advisor at school who is very nice, interested about me, and will stick with me til the bitter end. This is a good thing.
My instructor, while very intense and perhaps unaware of inconsistencies, has a good heart.
XML sucks to learn by doing
I love making blogs, I have a very short attention span, I'm resourceful, I'm lazy, I enjoy raw spinach, and I can predict earthquakes with my legs.

I learned a lot more than that, but really it's all just details.

Monday blogging

2009-03-30T22:08:00.000-04:00

Despite most of the world feeling that the best day of the week is Friday, I have recently realized that I look forward to Mondays most. This is because all of my week's homework is due at midnight Sunday night, and I spend all week slacking off and all day Sunday wringing myself ragged speed-writing papers. Monday morning brings the blessed relief of "well, it's too late now" and six days of slacking ahead of me.

Unfortunately, my current class ends with a bang in the form of a blogging project, and it ends on Easter Sunday night, so I'll be out of town most of that week. Our Application assignments each week have been to write a "blog post" (really a regular academic paper, as that's how she grades it) on some aspect of children's health, and then in the final week we are to revise each week's work and create a health blog, with each weeks' paper being one post. I have a great many personal opinions regarding this project which I will be keeping to myself until my grades are in. Just in case.

When it comes to blogging, I have a fault: I simply can not just use the provided templates. I have two blogs already, besides this school project, and I spent hours seeking out and tweaking non-blogger-provided templates, grabbing one someone else made up and changing margins and colors and images (with no XML experience, just changing numbers randomly and hitting 'preview' to see what it did, which is why it takes so long). I decided to poke around and see what I could come up with for class even though it's not due for another two weeks, and I'm glad I did. I started putzing with it around 11:00 this morning, and just decided to quit for the night now that I'm satisfied with the general layout.

After all that work, I just don't see the point of stopping with five Application paper posts, so after class is done I may just use it as a place to ramble on about my schoolwork and what I'm learning. Though this class seems to focus on physical health under the heading of "Child, Safety, Health and Nutrition", everything that I've learned (and rambled on about) so far has to do with the health level of a child in some area of development. And I can't see the point of a 5-post blog. I'd hate to think I just wasted an entire Monday laying out a blog for 2% of my grade.

Right now the blog is under construction, but if anyone wants to give me feedback, feel free. It's here. Please don't comment on that blog, put it in here. Thanks.

Road Blocks*

2009-03-26T11:25:00.000-04:00

Tuesday was one of those days that conspired against us in very subtle ways. I honestly don't quite remember what I actually did, but through some weird combination of blood sugar imbalance, PMS, and lack of proper sleep, I suffered some sort of weird spacial disturbance where I kept dropping things or I would go to set something on a table and miss by a quarter of an inch. The sort of thing where I'd spill something, and then in the process of trying to clean up the cat would walk in it, and I'd grab the paper towels, drop them, grab them firmly, knock over a dish on the counter with them, finally get them to the table, wipe the mess too quickly for it to absorb and thus pushing it onto the floor.... that kind of thing. Little frustrations all day.

We had our Anglican Communion/Adult Confirmation class in the evening, and something seemed very determined to have us be late. I made dinner just fine, utilizing the microwave, and we ate and cleaned up and then started packing up things to go. We were both irritated, and Lanse decided to make tea to take, and the microwave made this horrible noise... but kept running, so he let it run for a minute, but the water was still cold. So the microwave was dead. Long live the microwave. I boiled some water on the stove and he had his tea; he went out to the car while I ran to the bathroom... and the toilet wouldn't flush. At that point it became obvious something didn't want us to leave, so I said screw that, and we left anyway. When we got home, the toilet worked fine. Unfortunately the microwave really was broken.

Yesterday was much better, we had a nice long deep conversation about personal faults and no one got mad, and we figured out how we could go buy a new microwave. And then we did. It's about the same size (slightly smaller inside, but by like... 1/10 of a cubic inch) but it's glossy black and makes a huge visual black hole in my kitchen. I'm seriously considering getting white appliance paint to make it match. But the biggest concerns were size, proper buttons, and price, and this had pretty much what we wanted. Then we meandered our way home and I did homework and played more pirate game and went to bed.

Today has been better. Lanse is away at a work event, so I have the day to myself and I'm really not doing anything different, but I'm enjoying it all being just mine (and the cats') anyway. I'll probably do some beadwork, pretend to study, do more piratey stuff, read for Bible Study tomorrow, and write more blog post on spiritual issues that I'm learning at class.

So stay tuned!

*No idea why I called this Road Blocks but I still feel like it fits, so there ya have it.

Birds

2009-03-24T09:32:00.000-04:00

Taking turns in the birdbath this morning:

4 or 5 Sparrows
a House Finch
2 Tufted Titmouses (Titmice? They're newly arrived and really pretty. I hope they stay.)
female Cardinal

Watching from nearby:

2 male Cardinals, occasionally chasing each other off
2 Blue Jays
male Bluebird, who's never far from his family so they're probably watching too.

I love my back yard.

I was drawn by Ursula Vernon - a dream

2009-03-23T18:58:00.000-04:00

The land was flat and covered with trees, except for the part I was standing in which was a long clear section somewhat like a golf fairway. At the far end of the clearing was a tall hill with a foreboding dark and pointy castle on the top. The skies were unnaturally dark, like when it's just about to storm and it's nearly dusk anyway, so it's this eerie darkness you can sort of see through but not really. An evil ruler had just taken the throne and was doing something dastardly, but I didn't know what.

What I did know was that all the creatures of the land were happily frolicking along, heading towards the ocean. It was exciting, all my friends running along, as though they were just going for a day at the beach. I went along too, but then the ocean was nearer than it had been, and kept crawling closer, up over the land. The other creatures didn't seem to realize that the water was already here and kept running ahead through it to get to where the ocean should have been, and they went in over their heads and didn't come up. As the water lapped my feet I realized that the evil ruler was planning to drown the world while he was safe on the hill and start it all over again. I turned and began running towards the hill...

...and then there was a mirror...

...and the world went wobbly, like looking through very old glass...

...and I was standing in a bright white hallway with old gray formica flooring. It was finally bright enough for me to get an idea of what kind of creature I was. I had some round bits, with one long leg right in the middle, and then two really long ankle kind of things came off the end of it and I had two very large webbed feet. I also had a long, round, wobbly - and yellow - trunk of some sort. And possibly knobbly antennae. I was colored like a Dr. Seuss character but I knew without a doubt that I was drawn by Ursula Vernon, and I did not match my surroundings at all. There was a wide floor standing mirror behind me, which faded away as I watched. It was still there, but it wasn't; like it'd be there if it was needed. If I came back.

A human lady came around the corner and stopped short. She had brown bobbed hair, wore a long white lab coat and carried a clipboard. She said, "Hello! Who're you?" very kindly, and invited me to follow her to her office. As we entered the hall she'd come from, I noticed she was was walking somewhat... carefully... and looking around a lot. Suddenly, a door opened and a middle-aged gruff looking man stopped short in the doorway. He had glasses and a lab coat like the lady's, and was very tall and solid with rumpled graying hair. The sort of man you don't want to argue with. He took one look at me and said to the woman, "Grab it! What is it?? It's a... demon-thing! We've got to take it to the lab!" With a squeal and turn on my heel, I dove around the corner and back through the mirror.

I was in a different part of the clearing, where the castle looked the same distance away but the water hadn't quite reached me yet. Rather, the water had nearly reached me, but both the water and I were nearer to the center of what remained of the world. It was very quiet. I knew there wasn't much time left, if I hadn't already lost it all. I also realized that there was nothing that one small creature could do here; I couldn't climb up to the castle and challenge the evil ruler who had magic and power with just my webbed feet and wobbly trunk and knobby antennae and disagreement on my mind. I'd be blasted to cinders in an instant... if I was even accorded the time of day to begin with. I knew that the answer to saving my world was through that mirror... in that other place. I turned back to the mirror and went through.

The building was deserted; my hallway was lit with the same strange flourescent bulbs but some connecting hallways had been locked down and darkened. I peeked down the connecting hallway I'd been in earlier, and the nice lady scientist darted quickly out of a door with her arms full of papers. She'd been watching for me, and she was ready. "Quick!" she hissed... "We've got to get you out of here!"

We made a mad dash for the lobby doors and came out onto a sidewalk with occasional passers by who, for some reason, saw nothing unusual about a three dimensional cartoon drawing walking around their city. Two cars were pulled up to the curb, both run down... a dark green truck and a dirty red four door convertable of some sort. They were full of guys in their early 20s, of the 'cowboys without manners' type, and were clearly in on lady scientist's getaway plan. She shoved me towards the pickup saying, "Get in!" As she climbed into the convertable, I heard her say, "Quick! Go! Her world is dying, we have to save it!"

How did she know...?

Food thoughts, again

2009-03-23T13:15:00.000-04:00

Ood Steak
First, a food related photo for Doctor Who fans. The sign's said this for at least six months, but I finally just stopped to get the photo:

********************

Onion tears
I cry when I cut onions. I'm pretty sure everyone does, since there seems to be a whole universe dedicated to various methods of onion-tear-prevention. Both of my parents cried cutting onions. What everyone failed to tell me is that they cry because it hurts. I think that was a mean trick.

We've recently discovered the joy packaged in green onions, which I've been putting on almost everything I cook. But cutting them has become such a horrible experience that I've had to plan ahead. Here's what I've discovered:

I do not cry until I actually touch the cut part of the onion. I've managed to fine dice an entire stalk of green onions without touching onion juice and I did not cry. In the last few months I've only managed to do that once though; it's hard to hold the onions steady enough by the knife to cut them without touching them.
Once I cry, there's oils involved with my eyes. I have to have 1: a paper towel to wipe my hands; 2: a shirt to wipe my eyes once the oil's off my hands; and 3: a fabric of the sort that cleans glasses well.
My eyelashes are long, and even after I cough or sneeze and my eyes water, they tend to streak my lenses. After chopping onions, my lenses are so splattered and streaked with oils that even if I could see through tears I couldn't see.

Onion tears summarized: Plan ahead. We don't bother with whole white onions because we only eat about half of it before it goes bad or dries out, we don't use it enough. Green onions are great because I can chop up one stalk at a time if I really want to and the rest will keep for a bit. However, I hate doing it and so I've decided that every time I want to cut onions, I will cut twice as much as I need so that the next time I don't have to. I just made a chicken wrap for lunch and only needed a pinch of green onions, but I chopped up three stems to have for later, since I was going to cry anyway. Figured I'd make it count for something more than one chicken wrap.

******************

Grapefruit Meditation
I've posted before about grapefruit, it's a fruit that really fascinates me in flavor and juiciness and the subtle balance of tart and sweet in the perfectly ripe grapefruit. But what I hadn't realized before this week was the emotional importance that grapefruit holds for me.

Most people have routines or rituals that they probably wouldn't identify as such but which come out as "just the way it is done". There are so many little ways especially done in the kitchen. I was taught that, while you can just forcefully scoop grapefruit out of the sections and eat it, the best way (if you have time) is to actually cut the sections with a knife so as to not miss any juicy goodness. When I was at the women's retreat, a friend saw me cutting out each section of grapefruit and helpfully demonstrated a faster and more effective method of using the grapefruit knife. I didn't mind - at the time I was hungry - but it began to bother me, like I'd missed something important and I didn't know why. I realized that somehow over the years grapefruit eating has become a centering and meditative practice for me. I've developed a routine in which I carefully cut around each section (in order, counter-clockwise), eat each section (again, in the same direction), and then I go around again through each section with my spoon to scrape out any bits that I missed with the knife. Finally, I squeeze the grapefruit carefully into my spoon and eat the juice; repeat until the grapefruit is wrung dry. Any seeds I removed as I ate go back into the grapefruit remains to head to the trash.

In order to get as much grapefruit out, I have to be intentional and focus on each section at a time. I concentrate on the angle of the knife and keeping rind and section membranes from the parts I want to eat. It centers me, focuses my mind, and ends in a blissful taste of heaven. It's meditation with immediate purpose and gratification, and I sense that it's somehow a microcosm for the process of meditation in a general sense. I'm still trying to find the words to explain that thought. But I know it's true for me, because many grapefruits have gone rotten in my refridgerator during stressful times when I make the choice not to eat one because I haven't got the time, or I just don't want to face what may surface if I slow down long enough to carefully section one.

Why bother putting this much intent into eating fruit? Well, if I just quickly hack away at it and gobble it up, I'll most likely be wasting food and the joy of flavor... and that's just not done!

******************

Fasting and Blood Sugar
Our last two sermons have focused on or mentioned the discipline of fasting. One thing that both priests mentioned was that one of the spiritual side effects or a possible purpose of fasting is that when you're hungry all your bad traits tend to come to the surface, like anger and irritability and pride, not to mention any emotional issues you have relating to food itself. They indicated that fasting is one tool God uses to bring us to a point of dealing with those aspects of our personality.

These sermons came at the same time that I was studying about nutrition and diabetes and other things like that. Fasting or not, when my blood sugar crashes I get angry and irritable and pissed off that I can't handle this stuff (pride?). These emotional responses are offical symptoms of hypoglycemia and low glucose levels. While these are (or can be) serious medical conditions and should be treated as such, and folks with these conditions should work closely with their doctors when considering a religious fast, I find contemplating the ties between the topics very interesting. I'd already been wondering about the link between food and emotional response, but hadn't thrown the spiritual into that mix.

I bet God did that on purpose.

Paradigm Shift

2009-03-19T11:44:00.000-04:00

Every time I think of the word 'paradigm' I relive the Salad Years skit from my Wheaton days. Salad Years was the student TV show, and one skit was two people imitating the Sesame Street two-headed monster doing a compound word thing. They did 'paradigm', except instead of 'para-dime' they said 'para-diggum'. It was amusing. I think you had to be there.

("para"...."diggum"...."para"...."diggum"...."PARADIGGUM!" "hey, there goes my dignity!")

Looovely.

And also very off-track.

Anyway, yesterday morning the phone woke me up, which is never a good way to start any day. But the weather was nice, and aside from being groggy I was mostly pleasant. The phone call was Frances from the mortgage company calling to verify when would be a good time to schedule closing on our refinance. She said she was spending the day filling out the forms for us and we'd probably close Thursday (today) or Friday afternoon. This was about... 9:30. OK, great, we've been waiting for a closing date for a month now. Fantastic!

I go about the morning, doing my morning things, and get ready to settle into schoolwork after lunch. The phone rings, and Frances tells me that not only can we not close on the refinance, but our home didn't even qualify for that loan in the first place. The loan officer was supposed to have checked our property values in their database, which apparently he didn't; so the only way we could continue is if we have a minimum of 10K out of pocket to bring with us. So not cool. So the refinance is cancelled, we're trying to see if we can get our non-refundable application fee (minus the assessment cost) back because the guy should have known we couldn't apply for it. We haven't heard back yet.

While I was finishing up on the phone with Frances (and trying not to throw my phone through the screen on the porch) our adoption case worker beeped in. She called back when I was off the phone, just to tell us that the homestudy she promised would be done by either last or this Friday hadn't been started yet. I'm not upset, there's good reasons, but I'm disappointed. Check the adoption blog for more details on that call.

So. Two upsetting and potentially life-changing things; but really it was a matter that in both cases we'd spent the last weeks or months anticipating a more comfortable and responsible moving-forward kind of life. I spent the rest of the day making calls and rearranging our financial goals and realigning my mental concepts of the near future. And relaying this all to Lanse, who was none-too-pleased as I was but processes things differently. It was an... interesting... rest of the day. Aside from a discussion reply or two, schoolwork wasn't part of it. But Lanse allowed an attack of Demon Housekeeper and stress-cleaned the main living areas and our bedroom, a quality of his in which I am very pleased. I just wish stress didn't have to be the trigger.

Some positive things happened though too. I wrapped up loose ends on the property tax snafu, and we actually can pay our mortgage and live off our income "comfortably" (in quotes, because we personally don't need much to feel comfortable; others would find our budget restrictive) and I finally got our March-April budget sorted out. We don't need the refinance to afford the house, and that's a huge sigh of relief.

That said, a little bit extra would be a great thing so we can start paying down some loans, so I'm wanting to put a little more focus in the concept of an Etsy shop with my quilting and jewelry stuff. I'm hoping to get the beading ladies at the game store to teach me some cool stuff that I can sell or give with Christmas in mind. Christmas took a big chunk out of our December budget last year, so anything I can do ahead would be good.

And then there's always schoolwork. Sigh. I suppose I should get to it.

Right now...

2009-03-16T16:11:00.000-04:00

There is no breeze, a very uncommon thing on a cool overcast day on the coast. The windows are open and the house is filled with a fresh and slightly damp smell of spring. Over the last two days a soft rain has fallen in ten minute increments every couple of hours. The warm orange glow of the lamp and the purring love of a cat somehow makes the battle of budget creation a little more palatable. I doubt that anything could make financial organization warm and fuzzy, but if it could be done, this would be the right mood for it.

Smoke

2009-03-16T12:45:00.000-04:00

I am completely in love with the flavor of smoke. I rediscovered Smoky Sharp Cheddar cheese and realized that what I crave in cheese, meat, barbeque sauce... you name it (except maybe baked goods)... is a rich smoke flavor. So if you ever decide to gift me with food, there's a tip.

Just thought I'd share.

I also just realized that 'smoke' is one of those words that look really strange after a short bit.

Smoke.

Smoke smoke smoke smoke.

See?

Ode to Cow (not for vegetarians)

2009-03-15T22:27:00.000-04:00

In our last episode, I was waxing philosophical on one thing or another, I don't quite remember now. Since then, I worked on week 1 of new term's homework, went on our 10th anniversary 5-star resort weekend from Thurs-Saturday morning, got the stomach flu from Sat evening through Monday (no, it wasn't food poisoning), did more homework, suffered emotional drama over adoption issues (internal, no news yet), and played a lot of Puzzle Pirates. I am willing to delve into more detail on any of those events, and may yet do so (though I'll hold off on flu details, as I hope to keep my few readers), but it's 10:30 p.m. and I can't think straight.

So until that time, I will leave you with the following brief prayer that sprang to mind at our hamburger lunch and left us rolling in sacrilegious laughter (we didn't actually pray this, it was at the end of the meal. I don't think God minded, since we really were grateful):

Thank you, Lord, for yummy food
Thank you, Lord, for food that mooed

Thank you, Lord, for ketchup sweet
I will put it on my meat.

Amen.

A baffling blessing...

2009-03-04T17:09:00.000-05:00

For the first time in years... possibly even decades... this particular most amazing thing happened to me today: I walked out of the house to buy some jeans, drove to a store, walked to the children's department, tried on crop jeans, found five (5!) that fit, bought three, and went home.

I got blue jeans with butterflies (butterflies seem to be really in this year), some darker blue denim with a cuff that looks like these with a different belt (teal with a big butterfly buckle), and a dressy black blue jean with dark gold stitching and a gold sequined belt. They don't have that one on the website.

Those of you who know me personally will understand why this is so incredibly amazing. Clothes shopping (when it's needed on a schedule, and I haven't just accidentally run across something) is humiliating torment for me that typically takes two to three weeks of repeated and severe self-esteem beatings while going to store after store after store. Today's experience is, frankly, unheard of.

Plus: with the sale prices that started today and clearance, these three pair listed at $32/pair totaled to a whopping $47. All 5 would have cost almost $160 without sales, and with them rang up to $76. I really wish we'd had that available, but even the $47 is stretching it.

Lord, thank you, and please provide overwhelming blessings for the person who invented capri pants. Or crop pants, or what I guess they're now calling dusters or something like that. They're all the same idea, and they fit. Amen.

Labels

2009-03-03T22:26:00.000-05:00

Through the weekend, Jo used stories of women in the Bible to discuss what God intended women - us - to be. On Saturday she covered Rachel and Leah from the book of Genesis, specifically from Ch. 29: "¹⁷ Leah had weak eyes, but Rachel was lovely in form, and beautiful." The point here was how labels given to a person can be either simple explanations or identity defining things. These labels on Leah and Rachel proved to be so defining of their self-esteem and identity that it sculpted everything that we are able to see of their lives and their children's lives, resulting in Rachel's son Joseph saving the Israelites from starvation.

When we got into our groups, the assignment was to identify our own labels. Once done, she asked us (no response required) to think about whether they were healthy or unhealthy, and whether or not they played a fundamental role in our personal identity and self-esteem.

The strange thing is that the only labels I could think of that I knew and that were placed on me by others were from my childhood and teenage years. [I will insert here that there are labels given directly by others such as "this is my shy/tomboy/pretty/smart child", labels given by society based on things like where you live or wear, and labels that can be assigned to yourself inside your own head that represent what you think of yourself. In our group we only discussed those labels placed on us by other individuals.] I know exactly who I was understood to be when I was younger, and I think they were mostly good things: outgoing, friendly, self-accepting, resilient, smart, resourceful, talkative, perhaps a bit naive. I've heard all these things lately from people describing me back then.

But then Jo made the point, what happens when "the happy one" has a bad day, "the introvert" who speaks slowly has something to say, or "the smart one" fails a test? What happens when the outgoing, self-accepting, smart, and resilient person feels suddenly abandoned and terrified, experiences PTSD and depression, fails out of school, and begins to realize how angry she is about herself?

What happens is (following some therapy and family support, God's sudden neon-sign pointing to a purpose, and truck-loads of prayer) you get Me, right now. But for whatever reason, I have absolutely no idea what people see me as now. I have no concept of what labels I may or may not have picked up since I was the me I used to be. Whether that's because I'm much more cautious now (a label?) or just because I've been a lot less social in the last few years and not many people know me, I really don't know. But the last time I was able to define myself in concrete terms appears to be Freshman year of college. And frankly, that's really disturbing. I tend to be a very concrete thinker in general, and I feel like if I can't define myself concretely I must be shades of gray... which somehow feels not too far from fading out entirely.

I'm glad that Jo said that labels can be healthy as well as unhealthy. As much as I dislike being placed into a mental box or category and all the expectations that come with it, labels can help clarify and define a purpose. Ask any pretending preschooler: labels can make a random inconvenient stack of wood discover purpose as "table" or "chair" or "baby bed" or "doghouse". The purpose of this exercise wasn't to deny all labels, but merely to identify them and their qualities.

Maybe taking some time to intentionally explore what my current labels are could help me understand better what my purpose is at the moment.

"Retreat"

2009-03-02T11:17:00.000-05:00

When we arrived at the retreat we signed up for a small group in which we were to discuss whatever questions our speaker, Jo, asked us to discuss. On the first evening we grouped to meet one another and our question was "to you, what does 'retreat' mean?" There was brief clarification on whether they meant 'retreat' or 'a retreat' such as we were on, and decided we could answer either.

Most of the folks in my group thought of retreat as a good thing. A refreshing time away from the stresses of life. A time to rest and relax and pull a breath to return to the real world.

My idea was completely different from everyone else. I don't know if this is because of what I'd read recently, but the only thing I could see was that 'retreat' is what you do when you're in the middle of a battle and you're losing. In the case of medieval style battles (I don't know much about modern warfare) retreating is not considered shameful; wise battle leaders retreat with their armies when necessary... to higher ground, to a more strategically important location, to reassess and develop a new plan of attack. Possibly to begin a new process of negotiations among leaders, or to provide medical assistance to the wounded. Retreat is not a peaceful thing, it's a terrifying thing. It means that defeat is on the horizon unless you start making some changes. It means that if you don't quickly begin to relearn your enemy and identify their goals, to predict their moves more accurately and stand up to them, you may lose your kingdom to another ruler.

All of this seems to happen at every church retreat I've been to. All of the emotional breakdown and rebuilding that occurred this weekend could be seen as a retreat from the spiritual battles we experience every day in our lives. For me however, Friday night to Sunday morning is never long enough to first see the current battle conditions, then to identify the problems in our first strategy, and finally to settle on a better plan. It always seems just long enough to identify the problems and panic, but we never have the time to develop the new strategy. Sometimes there's enough time to allow the Spirit to bring us calm and peace after the panic, but never enough to decide what to change in our lifestyles or what steps to take next. What to do to make things different.

Although I'd not been on a church retreat until now since High School, I'd say that stands true for those ones as well. We get all hyped up in worship and praise, God says "Yo, pay attention to *this*", we fall apart, support each other, and then we feel better... for the moment. But even in High School no one offered, "Okay, here's how we can move forward. Here's what you do next." Trust in God. Pray more. Read His word. Learn how to listen. Communicate with someone and share your pain. Those are all great things to do, but how? "Oh, just trust in God. He loves you and He's got it all under control." Great! How do I do that again? Does someone have a magic button that will help me trust in the areas I don't? Trusting is like caring; if you don't, you don't, and at least I have no idea how to make myself do it.

But I think that's okay. Becky and Jo both taught that this process is hard and messy, and that's the way it's supposed to be. Retreating from a battle is facing the blood and the wounded and the fact that things aren't going the way you thought they would. But we always seem to stop there... when do we see as a church family that the bandages are on, the healing's begun, we have a new plan, and then turn together to re-engage the battle?

Women's Retreat weekend

2009-03-02T10:31:00.000-05:00

This past weekend was our church's Women's Retreat at Camp St. Christopher's. It was... well, I give it mixed reviews, but only because of my perspective. (Given that it's the only perspective I've got, I guess it'll have to do.) To clarify, it was very well done; the schedule was light enough to provide relaxation times but was also very challenging spiritually, which it was supposed to be. The people were (and are) wonderful; Jeannie et al did an amazingly fantastic job setting up and running the event. Jo was a fan-freakin'-tastic speaker. The food was very good and completely appropriate for my dietary needs (resulting in me not eating any of the extra food I brought along just in case). The setting was gorgeous

So, why mixed? First, I was completely exhausted. It was that kind of complete life-drained done that the past week of illness and adoption inspection/prep might cause. Secondly, despite the joyous experience of falling asleep on a screen porch to the sound of the ocean on Friday night, it was cold and I got somewhat freaked out by the large creature that was bending the palm tree and causing large branches and things to fall around. So I moved into the cabin to join the two snorers. For me, no sleep = very bad. I had to apologize to some folk after my attitude on Saturday morning. (Incidentally, if I snapped at you and don't recall or couldn't find you afterwards, I'm sorry! Tired is no excuse!) For Saturday night I moved up to the more hotel-like rooms because it was too hard to take the cabin's stairs, so I slept much better on Saturday. Thirdly, it was my first time at an event like this as an adult, so I really didn't know what to expect. A large part of my mind was held off at an analytical distance simply observing. The last time I went to a church retreat I was in High School and it was full of emotional wrenching and power struggles and, well, high school drama. So I'm innately distrustful of these kinds of situations. I'm glad to report this was... somehow, the same but also completely different. It was emotionally wrenching (see 'finally' point) but it was also a Safe Place, without the snarky teenage angst. It was simply different. Finally, it was a spiritual retreat with a speaker who challenged us. Which basically means this was soul-searching, exterior-image-peeling, defense-shattering kinds of things. About 100 women peeling away the layers (I prefer the cake vs. onion image, incidentally) with lots of crying, some excruciating wailing and screaming, and steps to healing. All very necessary, all very exciting at some level to see the Spirit work, but also all very, very hard. Exhausting.

On the way home, Cathy J asked me to summarize in a sentence or two what I took away from it. I couldn't manage that, since I came up with one concept that needed lots of sentences to explain. (Not a surprise, really.) That idea of 'what did God say to you' had been circulating throughout the last day, and most people were like 'well, I need to work more on *this*' or 'I need to let go of *this*' kind of things. Those things that were in their *this* were usually main topics of the lectures or the Sunday sermon. For me, it was a smaller (but maybe still large) concept: This stuff is work, and it is messy. And that's okay. Becky (our Priest) said it again on Sunday and it suddenly resonated really hard with me. I have the idea that I should be able to automatically accept those things that Just Are, because some things I have no control over. I know that I can't control some things, but I hadn't realized how angry I was about them... or I had at some level understood that I was angry, but felt I shouldn't be because it should be easy somehow or there really wasn't any point to being angry. Plus, I just hate when I fall apart and I get my shirt (or Lanse's shirt) wet and snotty and then I have a headache from crying and even though I feel better at the moment, it doesn't take care of the problem. So really, why bother? All it does is make a mess.

But that's okay. And sometimes that's necessary. Even if I'm upset about something I have no power to change, I can fall apart about it sometime. It's allowed.

So. Since this seems to be the only way I can successfully journal, I may be working through some things here. I will turn comments off unless I'm looking for advice. It's nothing personal. If you have my email address or IM and want to engage in a back-and-forth discussion, you do of course have the freedom to try it; just please trod carefully and don't be offended if I don't reply or choose not to answer your questions directly. I will not be discussing this on Facebook. In case it needed saying.

Stay tuned for potentially challenging stuff.

Or, I might just get sick of soul-searching and you can toss the last couple bits. You just never know!

Mini-Quiche

2009-02-24T11:38:00.000-05:00

Making a quiche used to sound so intimidating (just like custards). Then I realized that quiches are just scrambled egg pie with stuff in it. So I make quiche a lot now.

I made little bitty quiches last night and I think I'll eat some for lunch. I have probably shared this before, but I'm gonna do it again. So there. Um.

Note that these are crustless, all the better to avoid carbs. If you season it well, leaving out the crust does not avoid flavor.

Preheat oven to 300F.

Chop the following into little itty bitty tiny pieces.
green onion
mushrooms
ham

Really, you could itty-bitty-tiny-piece any kind of veggie or meat you know you enjoy in omelette form. Just remember that these are small so what you put in must be chopped up small so it all fits. Next time I plan to use asparagus. Mmmm.

Anyway, so it's all chopped up. Get your mini-muffin tins out and spray em with your non-stick butter spray stuff. If you want to line them instead, use foil; the paper ones get too soggy. In each cup put a pinch of each of your lovely bits of stuff you just chopped up.

Top with shredded cheese of your choice. I used shredded Mexican blend from Kraft.

Note, I filled the cups nearly to the top with stuff. Cuz I like a lot of stuff in my food. It's okay. Really.

In a bowl, beat some eggs with some milk. Yes, this can be very violent. I was making 24 mini-quiches and ended up using 5 eggs with a little bit left over. I tend to eyeball the amount of milk, but it was much closer to "a splash" than anything actually substantial. I like my quiche to be very eggy, where there isn't other stuff.

In the beaten egg/milk mix kosher salt, pepper, garlic salt, and savory to taste. If I'd had the motivation to go out across the yard with scissors I'd have added fresh rosemary or marjoram. But I didn't. Using some sort of useful dipping and pouring device (I used a 1/4 cup measure but didn't actually measure with it) fill each little cup with egg stuff. Work slowly so it can soak itself down through all the stuff. You can fill it pretty full; these didn't really overflow.

Bake for half-an-hour-ish. I started with 10 minutes and then rotated them because my oven's uneven. I did another 10 and took them out, and really they should have been done more. I was fooled by the cheese browning on top. However, *note* that I do actually plan to reheat them in the microwave, which should take care of the extra cooking. Straight from the oven at 20 minutes they were cooked, but kind of damp... like some people might leave scrambled eggs looking just a little bit wet but not really. So they won't kill you if you eat them.

Unless they're ninja death eggs.

Just this minute someone gave me a wonderful egg baking idea! I don't think I understood it the way she meant it, but I might want to try it. This shall take some pondering. And perhaps some experimentation. And, definitely, another trip to the store. Details at... well... whenever I get around to it.

Ok. So the moral of this story is: Make and Eat Mini-Quiche. It's easy! And very tasty. With toast and jam and a big glass of milk. In fact, I'm going to go do that right now.

Childish bitterness

2009-02-24T10:45:00.000-05:00

I have always wanted a tree house or a fort outside. It wasn't something that ever happened when I was a child, so I was thrilled when we found this house had a playset with an upper deck. Unfortunately, the upper deck was badly braced and unsafe and the adoption safety inspector said we had to either rebuild or take down the upper part. So, two weeks ago we (Lanse) demolished it, since we didn't have the tools to do the reconstruction work. It was a very hard decision to make and we were sad.

This weekend the neighbors behind us built a really tall, expensive, and perfect play fort with window screens and rope ladders and everything right across the fence from where our pathetic demolished playset stands.

It feels incredibly childish, but I can't pass a back window without wanting to cry.

?

2009-02-22T14:57:00.000-05:00

I'm working on writing my final paper for my final class of the term. For whatever reason, I keep accidentally typing '?' instead of '.'. There's apparently something very comforting when I hit the left shift and ? with both pinkies. No idea why. Maybe they're tired of being left out.

There's also the distinct possibility that '?' pretty much defines my state of being today. It's been one of those '?' days.

Egg (un)Salad Sandwich

2009-02-21T13:09:00.000-05:00

I like to experiment with making hard food easy, and I figured this would be one of the easiest things to modify for lunch. Everyone knows the egg salad sandwich. I eat them often. For some reason, actually preparing it drives me batty most times. So today I made an egg unsalad sandwich.

Hard cook some eggs. I prefer steaming them just long enough for the yolks to be not quite done, about 10 or 11 minutes. Alton Brown steams his for 12.
Take 2 slices of bread. On one side put Miracle Whip (or mayo, yuck!), on the other put mustard.
On the MW/mayo side put pepper and paprika
On the mustard side put kosher salt (you can see it on the mustard side so you know how much you have)
Slice an egg; put egg slices on one slice of bread. Today I sliced two eggs and only used the slices with yolk in it.
Slap the other slice on and eat it. (Also eat the white egg slices you didn't put in the sandwich. Don't be wasteful.)

Honestly? It wasn't all that tasty. If I do it again it'll need some serious tweaking. But I thought I'd share anyway.

Oooh, garlic. Yeah. I should have added garlic.

Gardening

2009-02-19T12:54:00.000-05:00

I am currently planning this year's container veggie garden. I learned a lot last year about what not to do, so while this year will still be pathetic (as I'm a self-taught beginner) it'll hopefully not be quite as pathetic. I'm frustrated with the fact that despite living on the coast, all the online garden places keep telling me that I'm in Zone 8, along with most of inland and south of us. They claim that we shouldn't plant until the last frost in April, but the trees here are budding and it's only February. Planting in April would only give two months (or less) before we're living in the 90s temp range. So I may just go ahead with things. We'll see. Either way, it's making me hungry.

Things I Grew Somewhat Successfully Last Year

Tomato (2 varieties)
Green Pepper
Basil
Rosemary
Marjoram

Things I Killed Dramatically Last Year

Cucumbers
Strawberries

Things I'm Contemplating for This Year

Tomato
Green Pepper
Dwarf French Beans
Basil (new plant, old plant died in winter; Rosemary and Marjoram are still good)
Dill (anti-bad-bug herb)
Green/Spring Onions
Strawberries (done right, none of this silly pre-packaged cute pot kit things)

I also intend to add some flowers around this year to keep the bad bugs away and the polinational bugs close. Some, but not all:

Geraniums (anti Japanese beetle)
Marigolds
Nasturiums
Zinnia
Asters

I also need some tall wire tomato holder-uppers, and I need to see if I can find a fine-mesh crate to put over the strawberries. Apparently they make fruit cages to keep birds away, but they're enormous and made for walk-in greenhouses. I also have to find a corner of the yard to dump out last year's old dirt. Also, our spray nozzle on the hose cracked because we were dumb and forgot to drain the water before it froze. Oops.

I hope the garden centers are ready for me!

Perspective

2009-02-18T15:24:00.000-05:00

Perspectives are interesting things. From my perspective, what I've done today is:

Caught up with my friends' news in Iowa
Talked with a friend in Texas
Checked in with a concern on a friend in Minnesota
Dream-journaled
Done some creative writing
Briefly met with other adopting moms to discuss a church program
Updated my family and friends on my week
Double checked with the bank about a money transfer
Attended a meeting regarding University advertising
Looked up recipes (and then cooked them)
Completed the rest of Winter term's assignments for EDUC 1012, which included some research
Investigated a preschool mentoring program

From my mother's perspective, if I were to ask... (and my backside would agree with her):

You've been frittering at that computer for six hours now... get up off your bum!

Harp and Flame (a dream)

2009-02-18T10:56:00.000-05:00

I was standing in a football field and the stands were full, I was part of the organization for a game that was about to start. It felt like maybe high school or little league in a small town where everyone goes to the game. A very old man, maybe 80s or 90s was walking down the stairs toward the front row and everyone started yelling 'Nazi! Nazi!' and chanting 'Auschwitz!' He froze at the bottom of the stairs, looking really frail and hunched over, like he wanted to sink into the floor. Then a little girl came over to him and led him to his seat. Everyone knew this little girl was Jewish. He sat in his seat with his hands over his face until the yelling died away. Before the scene changed, I was aware that the community had decided to shun the little girl because of her forgiveness, and that this man was probably in danger from people.

Then I was walking along the street, which was an inaccurate version of Howard Street in front of Jenks in Wheaton. On the corner of University, there was a large old Victorian row-style house; it was kind of like well-maintained old downtown brownstone, beautiful, enormous bowing oak trees all around. Now I was the little Jewish girl, grown up a bit. Walking with my head slightly bent, but on high alert from anyone who might come at me. The man from the ball game lived in the Victorian house, and I wanted to go visit him.

I was in the drawing room with him and his daughter (in her 40s or 50s) who took care of him. It was all dim in gold tones, soft and old, vaguely like a British drawing room, but clean and orderly. The man showed me a large book that looked somewhat like a large history encyclopedia from home school suppliers. He was quietly but insistently showing me things of great importance. He showed me a symbol in the book; it was a very small medal plaque shape in bronze and red mottled fire colors, with a golden harp on the center right and a large red gold flame swooshing across the left corner. The image was worked into the illustration, in the way that an artist might work his name into a painting but make it visible only if you're looking for it. Then the man sat down across from me to talk.

I realized that the man was James Hong, and had trouble focusing for a while because I'd only ever seen him in Big Trouble in Little China as the scary bad guy. He said, "As an actor it's important - vital - to represent the history accurately." I remember being relieved that he really was being an actor and wasn't actually the Nazi man, and was thinking over and over about his role as Lo Pan and wondered if I ought to bring it up, but decided not to because it wasn't in the "Jewish Girl forgives Nazi Man" script.

Some period of time passed. It was overcast, as though it were about to rain but hadn't yet, and I approached the house again. This time I entered the door on the corner of the house into the store that looked out on University. It was a socks-and-shoes store, but also sold other things. Again, it was all slightly dim, in browns and golds, but neat. I browsed the sock rack and then turned to the man's daughter, who ran the store. I asked her if the socks had arrived yet with the specific details we had previously discussed. We were speaking in code, as there were other customers in the store. (Who had no interest in me, thankfully.)

She went into the stock room, and I could see the shelves with a library ladder through the door. She came back and handed me a pair of socks in swirling reds and golds with the harp and flame stitched into them. She also handed me a box, kind of like a cigar box or one of those yellow assorted chocolate boxes you see at drug stores. Inside the box was the man, who had passed away in his sleep quietly, happily, and forgiven. They had managed to reduce him in size so that he could fit comfortably in the cigar box. Beside him was something long and cylindrical wrapped in light blue flannel. The dream ended with a sense of sadness, but also some relief that he would no longer suffer from the past.

Harp and flame emblem in my dream.

Catching up... again

2009-02-18T10:20:00.000-05:00

I seem to be taking long breaks in blogging now. (Long being, ya know, a few days... which some consider normal...) Anyway. That happens when I get so stressed out that depression slugs me upside the head, and I bury myself in some computer game (thanks Sarah) and convince myself that it's acceptable because there's Real People there! It's a social life.... right? RIGHT?? Ya, right.

Anyway, the financial problems of yesterweek have been mostly resolved. The property tax form was filed, though we haven't heard back yet. We received our home refinancing packet, I read every single word and wrote down questions, played phone tag, got my questions answered, and put it in the mail. Sallie Mae approved my new school loan even though I didn't finish my FAFSA (apparently the FAFSA is for the new loans in June, and I needed to just renew with Sallie for Spring Term.) FAFSA's waiting on our tax return. Our taxes are nearly done, but we have to wait for the revised property tax form. We made it to the end of our budget cycle without starving. (Well, we did let ourselves get really hungry, Dave would be mad, but only because we had $24 left in grocery for the final two days and didn't want to risk running over if we went to the store.) We realized that between our brick-and-mortar bank and ING we were getting confused and needed all our records in one place, so I spent yesterday uploading everything into Quicken online. Now we can see all our money, which is very nice, but the budget function on Quicken is quite incompatible with the way in which I budget, not to mention that we budget from the 15th and not the 1st because the mortgage takes most of the 1sts paycheck, so it's not transferring budgetary numbers properly for me. Gads, I'm such the nerd.

Other than that, school term's almost done. This is the last week of Winter term, and I have one short paper to write and a short list of web resources to submit by Sunday night. I'm still pulling a 4.0, but this CD class has been a pain in the behind due to the instructor's lack of presence. Then we have next week off. Yay! So if I finished homework today I could have a week and a half off! (I probably won't.) The following Monday starts Spring term and a course on Childhood Health and Safety, along with its Making Connections "lab" class. Rootin'-tootin' fun, lemme tell ya.

Spook has finished his meds and is acting much better, which is a huge relief. This was liquid amoxycilin, which I can't spell, but it meant as soon as Lanse squirted it in his mouth, Spook could spit and spray and shake and splatter everything within ten feet with it. While Lanse claims that pilling a cat is harder than this, it's certainly less messy. I'm glad that's done with.

Next Friday morning we have our Fire inspection and then I head off to our church's Women's Retreat at Camp St. Christopher on the beach. The weekend after that Lanse and I go to Woodlands for our anniversary weekend (which isn't until the end of May but we could get a good deal now because it's off season). So, school vacation + women's retreat + 10th anniversary bed & breakfast... sounds like I'm lined up for some relaxation and refocusing! The timing's definitely good. Also, maybe, all depends, the last chance for some time if God works the adoption stuff quickly.

Finally, I'm working with our clergy to develop an adoption resource for our church, since a lot of members have adopted or are currently or are somehow otherwise related to it. "We" is pretty much all me for the moment as I organize some resources. Now if only people would get back to me...

Valentine from God

2009-02-14T10:13:00.000-05:00

Through Matthew West, "I love you more"

Take a look at the mountain
Stretching a mile high
Take a look at the ocean
Far as your eye can see
And think of me

Take a look at the desert
Do you feel like a grain of sand?
I am with you wherever
Where you go is where I am
And I'm always thinking of you
Take a look around you
I'm spelling it out one by one

I love you more than the sun
And the stars that I taught how to shine
You are mine and you shine for me to
I love you
Yesterday
And today
And tomorrow
I'll say it again and again
I love you more

The last five days

2009-02-04T16:36:00.000-05:00

Over the weekend we had some fun social times, as well as annoying homework times, and some migraine headache times. Also, while all the cats had been sleepy and sluggish during the cold snap, Spook decided to stay that way when it got warm again. Then he started limping. Anyway. Over all, we had no idea what was in store for us this week.

I'd scheduled to do some work at church on Monday morning, and I had to go at least to take back something I'd forgotten to take on Sunday. When I woke up we noticed that Spook was really not doing well, so we scheduled a vet appointment for 10:15; I poured coffee in my travel mug, drove to church, got distracted on a project, frantically drove home and got the cat and drove to the vet late, where we sat for an hour to get a diagnosis of a UTI and some medication and give them more money we didn't have.

Got home around noon having not eaten yet, sugar crashed, ate, napped, then zoned out playing stupid games for a while (thanks, Sarah!). Wasted the day, knowing that Tuesday was specially reserved for 1) homework and 2) quick budget transition for March.

Tuesday laughed in my face. Har de har. I decided to do the quick budget stuff and settle in. Found one tiny discrepancy, grabbed the stack of papers in filing to find one form. Found another form.

This would be the form that somehow went to the filing stack that said, "Oh, by the way, your property taxes have increased from 660 to 2947 and you either owe Escrow 2500 by March 1 or we're raising your monthly payments by 500."

Panic ensued, then a half hour phone call with the current mortgage people, and then a 2 hour call to refinance the house. Joy. Suffice it to say, I didn't get any homework done yesterday.

This morning, a meeting at church for VBS planning and a good long talk with my friend Cathy. Vented, prayed, cried. Got home, talked to my dad who calmed me down and told me to call our cousin-realtor who helped us buy the house. He told us what we forgot to do a year ago, (file a form that came with our closing papers) so we downloaded a form to take to the tax assessor's and hopefully they'll move us back into the 4% range instead of the 6% which should cut it back down by at least 1500. I'm nervous about the little clause that says if we didn't file within their time frame we forfeit the right to file, so that's our prayer right now. That they'll let us file and recalculate our taxes.

In the end I know it'll be okay; once we finish the refinance (if the house assesses where we need it to) the monthly payment will be back in the safe zone even if we can't get the tax office to change the percentage. If we do get it changed and get the refinance as well, we're golden.

So we'll be a bit crunched for the next couple months until the refinance closing, moreso than we were before. But we'll make it. Money's really freaking annoying.

And now that I've shared all of this, I really should finish the homework due tonight.

Big Daddy Weave

2009-01-30T13:27:00.000-05:00

Really weird name, but that's what you get when you go into rock music. I guess. I've found that one of the best ways I worship and get inspired is through Christian radio. I've been listening to His Radio out of Columbia this past year, and just this week they hit the air at 100.5 FM from Charleston, so now there's no static. Yay!

Big Daddy Weave has provided more fuel for my recent faith introspection this week. Here's the chorus:

Big Daddy Weave Lyrics - What Life Would Be Like

[Chorus]
He made the lame walk
And the dumb talk
He opened blinded eyes to see
That the sun rises on His time
Yet He knows our deepest desperate need

And the world waits
While His heart aches
To realize the dream
I wonder what life would be like
If we let JESUS live through you and me

Dear Kira, Spook & Colin

2009-01-29T14:03:00.000-05:00

Our cats got mail yesterday, one for each of them, from their doctor. Kira's was on top. It reads:

Dear Kira,
We want to thank you and your family for choosing The Animal Hospital to take care of all your veterinary needs.

We strive to keep up with the latest technology and health issues to keep you healthy and happy for many years. As a part of helping to keep you healthy, we will remind your parents to bring you in for a yearly wellness exam, vaccines and bloodwork.

[cut: more of same]

Sincerely,
Your vet

I've been kinda iffy on my opinion of these people, but this really heaps up the + column. This was great!

A prayer

2009-01-28T11:35:00.000-05:00

Brandon Heath; Give me your Eyes

Looked down from a broken sky
traced out by the city lights
my world is a mile high
best seat in the house tonight
Touched down on the cold black tile
hold on for the sudden stop, breathe in the familiar shot
of confusion and chaos
all those people going somewhere why have I never cared

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
give me your heart for the ones forgotten
Lord, give me your eyes so I can see
Yea-ah-ah Yea-ah-ah Yeah-ah-ah Yeah-ah

Step out on a busy street
See a girl and our eyes meet
Does her best to smile at me
To hide what´s underneath
there´s a man just to her right
Black suit and a bright red tie
Too ashamed to tell his wife
He's out of work
he's buying time
All those people going somewhere
Why have I never cared

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
give me your heart for the ones forgotten
Lord, give me your eyes so I can see
Yea-ah-ah Yea-ah-ah Yeah-ah-ah Yeah-ah

I´ve been there a million times!
A couple of million eyes
just move and pass me by
I swear I never thought that I was wrong
Well I want a second glance
So give me a second chance
To see the way you see the people all alone

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
give me your heart for the ones forgotten
Lord, give me your eyes so I can see
Yea-ah-ah Yea-ah-ah Yeah-ah-ah Yeah-ah

Knowing God

2009-01-27T09:46:00.000-05:00

This is an entry I made in my diary on March 13th, 2000. I stumbled across it lately, and it gives a really good perspective at the end that I want to share. I have changed a lot since then, and the contents of this entry was a big part of the beginning of that change.

"I'm reading a book by Phillip Yancy entitled Disappointment with God. He spent the first half of the book exploring God's personality. I've maintained that I've kept hold of a "personal relationship with God" despite how I felt about his followers, but now I'm not so sure.

I have a personal relationship with Stephanie [my college roommate]. The very first thing I set out to do, and I continue to do as often as we come into contact with one another, is find out - truly seek - who she is. How she feels about things, what she likes, what she doesn't know about. I have never done that with God, even though we're in contact with one another (or should be) constantly. I have never read the Scriptures specifically to find out who God is.

I know the Torah books (and most of the Old Testament) are interesting history lessons, prophets give instructions and cover judgments and the End Times, Jesus is love and the way to salvation, and the rest are commands, stories and the end of the world. Can one honestly have a "personal relationship with God" and not know who He is beyond the Sunday School rote responses?

That's like saying Stephanie is a close friend because I know her hair is brown. And if that's the kind of relationship I have with God, there's not much "personal" in my faith."

(And a 2009 answer to my posed question, the answer is NO! You must dig! You must SEEK the desires and face of God. How He feels about things, what He likes and dislikes, how He can be a good friend to me, and what I can do to be a good friend to Him. If you want to know His will for you, if you want to rest the peace He offers, you have to be willing to try. Relationships, even here on earth, take hard work. We're created in His image, so why should a relationship with God be any different?)

Thoughts on faith

2009-01-27T09:25:00.000-05:00

When our children are young we teach them a song that goes, "Oh, how I love Jesus... because He first loved me."

And then around Junior High, we teach them, "Be careful not to fall in love with love."

***************

Being a Christian is like attending Harvard when everyone at Yale expects you to show up. During high school, you get to see a wide variety of academic options. You make your choice, and Harvard sends you the letter that says, "Yes! We think you're ideal for this program! Come! WE LIKE YOU!" and you enroll. So, at that point (connecting our metaphor) you've agreed to follow Christ.

Sorry to break it to you folks, but faith and trust? Good Christian behavior? Knowing God's will? HARD WORK. You're accepted to Harvard. You love it. They love you. But you have to attend classes, read your textbooks, practice your skills, do what your professors tell you to do and not only talk about it. If you need help, the faculty will do their best for you when you ask... (of course, heavenly help is exactly perfect!)

Those pissed off Yale folks might egg your car, or steal your homework from your table at Starbucks when you run to the bathroom. They may even get some Princeton folks to ambush you at a football game, or get another Harvard person (whose parents made them go there) to steal your underwear and hang them on every flagpole on campus. Or worse, they get sweet and cozy and start to convince you that Harvard really isn't as great as you know it is. Life gets harder when you make a choice and the previously friendly folks become opponents trying to get you back on their side.

Living for Christ needs focus and motivation, and a willingness to seek out understanding of hard concepts and choices. In the end, you'll still have a "Harvard" degree, but it's up to you if you graduate with a D+ average or summa cum laude.

Adoption inspection

2009-01-22T12:17:00.000-05:00

We passed with flying colors! It wasn't complicated, but it was important. I have to go fall down now; the adrenaline rush and now letdown has caused a bit of exhaustion.

More details at 11:00... or, well, whenever I get around to writing them. I'll probably put them on the adoption blog, so check there later on.

Thanks for your prayers, everyone. We could feel them! We even slept last night!

Preparing for Thursday

2009-01-18T18:30:00.000-05:00

Thursday morning around 11:30 is our first county/state inspection for the adoption. I haven't posted here because pretty much all of our weekend has revolved around the last-minute projects we had to do for it, as well as just doing homework and going to church. If you would like more of an update on the last couple of days, please check our adoption blog!

Yesterday

2009-01-16T18:43:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a very lovely day. I got older. :)

Lanse woke me up nicely, and I went to Publix to get some breakfast goodies for my Bible Study group. The people at the store seemed to know it was my birthday, (not really) but they were really nice and the bagger hauled things for me and gave me extra pieces of firewood and even held my car door for me, like a chauffeur. I felt special. Then I went to buy a mocha, cuz I haven't in a while, and I ended up with a NINJA MINT mocha. Cuz I'd only ordered a regular sugar-free and the coffee girl thought I'd ordered mint. She offered to change it, but I like mint so I kept it. It wasn't bad. Mint was so sneaky!

Bible Study was great, we ate birthday strudel and strawberries and they sang to me, and we talked about Job and everyone checked in on life. This group is amazing. We seem to also spend a good deal of time discussing how wonderful the group is; maybe I should whip up some Mutual Admiration Society cards.

Anyway, I came home and spent all afternoon playing on my silly new game addiction, Puzzle Pirates. It's one of those games that have lots of real people playing at once, and we're pirates, but like... when ships attack each other and we sword fight, we go one on one in a game of Tetris. So they make like... sailing is one kind of game, gunning is another, bilging and carpentry are others... and so on. So I wasted my day happily. Also, while I did that I was also listening to a lecture from school on social networking. Kinda boring, it was basically an introduction to Linkedin and Facebook and things. Took the quiz at the end which told me that I have an excellent online persona in regards to it helping (or not hurting) my professional goals. This is good.

Then my JULIA called me! I miss my bestest friend ever, she's in frozen Minnesota. So we talked for a while and everything's good. I'd been calling and just missing her for a while, so it really was the best birthday present ever.

Speaking of birthday presents, Lanse gave me Stardust the movie, which we'll probably watch tonight. Yay! Except he's on call... so I don't know.

Lanse took me to dinner at Tomatoes, an Italian restaurant that I like. The appetizers and desserts are excellent, and the atmosphere makes me feel completely at home and at peace, which is really weird. However, this is the second time we've been and the second main course that really didn't impress me at all. We had porcini crusted scallops for apps, veal marsala for main, and dessert was a really good thing I can't pronounce that had a custard on a thick biscuit crust with blackberries and raspberries and one other berry on top. It was really good.

When I went to Publix I'd gotten a bundle of firewood just for my birthday. I know it's not cost effective at all compared to actually buying a cord from somewhere. But I was in a hurry. So we spent the evening after dinner playing computer games/reading in the living room while messing with fire. I also talked to my brother and my mom, and a friend from church too. And then we went to bed late.

It was a great day.

Good study day

2009-01-13T15:09:00.000-05:00

It's gray and rainy, but not too much. It's the perfect day for huddling down with a book. So I have my tea, my comfy pillows, my cats... and my textbook. Today, this is my study area (it was full of cats when I left to get the camera... they left before I got back):

Jen's coming over after work to help us prepare for the inspection. We love Jen. (We love her husband Luke too, but he's not coming.) In any case, Jen doesn't know it yet (but will when she reads this!) but I'm experimenting on her with dinner. I'll post it later, when we've tasted it.

A fresh start...

2009-01-12T17:23:00.000-05:00

In an effort to drag myself out of my depressed crazies with intention, I arranged to make excuse to do my homework at church today. I need a public place to ignore in order to actually focus on what I'm doing. But in order for me to be there, we all felt it was better for me to volunteer and do a couple odd jobs before settling in.

I arrived a bit after ten, hung out and chatted in the office, punched, collated and finished creation of the latest batch of directories for Cathy McG, finished the pamphlet I volunteered to do on Friday for the C4K project for Cathy J, ate some lunch, got the call to schedule the health inspection, freaked out and called family, and then opened my textbook... to see it was almost 2:00. I read about 10 pages and then came home. Still better than nothing.

Actually accomplishing helpful work at the church really made me realize how much ministry means to me. I enjoyed working at Grace Covenant with the school so much I know I want to do something like that, but I didn't realize how much of it was ministry work in general... I've focused my degree on the children, which was also a huge part of it, but it's the church environment over all that moves me, and I'd thought it was the classroom. I may start to refine my future plans, just based on this morning. This could be a good thing.

Then I came home, ate more, zoned out, arranged with mom to maybe get a free living room set (but we have to get a truck to move it from Charlotte, so it won't be ALL free) and then we biked up and down the street. We have a cul-de-sac on each end, so in the end it makes a nice longish ride for me. Plus it was cold, so we kinda booked it home.

I'm pleased. I think I'll have a much better time being responsible and taking care of myself if I just determine that I'll probably get around to it eventually, but there's no pressure. I work better that way.

No need for resolutions

2009-01-09T19:37:00.000-05:00

Off and on this year I've been trying to get myself to exercise because I feel like a slug and my blood sugar would be helped as well. I kept trying little things that I've never liked doing because my grown-up brain thought that I should. It's the stuff New Year's resolutions are made of. Of course, that never works.

But now, my health woes are at a end-of-the-middle with the return of my beloved bicycle from the basement shop of Lanse's Uncle Chuck. She's a Schwinn from the 70s, with all the lovely retro shapes, and coaster brakes. Ta da!

Yes, she is in a rather sad shape, but Uncle Chuck fixed the wheels and replaced that silver part under the handlebars that joins up with the pink bit. It was originally too narrow and wobbled around a lot. Everything that needs doing right now is aesthetic - except for replacing the seat, which is now slightly too low; it's very functional, and I rode it around the block this afternoon. Let me say right now that eight years is much too long to keep muscles in any sort of shape. But I enjoy riding my bike, so there's an incredibly good chance that I'll finally start exercising.

So, part of next month's budget will go towards a new seat, some higher grade sandpaper than what we have left over from the oak cabinets, and some paint. I'm thinking either deep purple or bright teal. If I can find one, I'd like to also replace the emblem on the front.

Yay!

Vet update

2009-01-07T19:42:00.000-05:00

So we took all three cats to a new vet yesterday. We got in at 4:00, got out at 6:00... I think that's the longest we've ever taken. I have mixed feelings; they were very nice, but not very well organized for dealing with stressed out animals. They "recommended" a complete workup for all cats over age 7, which two of ours are, and bloodwork+ for all ages. We did everything they recommended only because we're trying to appease the Powers that Social Work, and it came to almost $600. *collapse* We'd only budgetted 1/6th of that. Three cheers for Discover, and formal apologies to Mr. Dave Ramsey for resorting to credit again.

Anyway, first they did the general check teeth, heartbeat, etc. touch tests and a blood draw for all but Colin, who got the blood draw at the very end. That's what set him off on shock and liver failure last time, so we weren't sure if we were even going to do it. So all three get a general inspection and a stick up the butt (fecal sample. Ew. Colin tried to bite for that one), two get the blood drawn, then there's a break. Then the actual vet comes in (the first woman was a tech) and does the manual test again and does the vaccines, and then tries to get blood from Colin. He totally flipped out, it was heartbreaking... then the vet went off to get something, and the tech decided to try it in the leg instead of the neck and he calmed down considerably. We opted to do the home gathering method of a urine sample, they gave us stuff to do it with. Apparently when they do it in the office they draw with a needle. Don't even want to think about it. *too late*

Then we were done, had some talk, came home, and everyone seems fine. Everyone's eating *THANK YOU GOD* and they're still snuggly and purring when appropriate. I did get a call back on the blood work, and Spook and Kira have slightly low white blood cell count and higher red blood cell count (not a problem unless they get sick), and Colin has "indicators" for heartworm. Lovely. Apparently there's nothing to do about it until he has symptoms (breathing problems or weird heart rates), at which point they would do tests to verify that's what it is. So this isn't even a diagnosis, it's just more of a note of concern, and a reminder to get everyone on preventative stuff, since something around here might carry heartworm.

So after all that, I'm still calming myself down. Although it didn't look like it at the time, I think the whole experience was much more traumatic for me and Lanse than the cats!

Good intentions...

2009-01-07T16:51:00.000-05:00

Despite yesterday's good intentions, I woke up with the migraine from hell this morning and after I finally dragged out of bed, sat staring comatose at my computer most of the day until just about an hour ago when the drugs finally kicked in. Even so, I've talked to Bert a number of times, got the vet records scanned and emailed, and finally printed out the fire escape route floor plans we have to hang on the wall. I also remembered that our agency has discussion forums, and chatted in there a bit.

More updated info on the adoption blog, again.

Just a bit ago, I checked my school communication thing in my classroom to discover that my instructor has actually been adding comments to all my papers throughout the term, in additional text boxes in blue text down the right margin, but none of them have been showing up in my returned graded papers. So all this time I've been upset that she never comments, and she actually has been. But because she started all my papers with a note across the top, I didn't realize I was missing something. So we're going to find a way to get my comments to me, hopefully, and we'll hope that I wasn't supposed to be building on things she said. My grade seems to say that I'm doing fine, which is a relief. I just wish I hadn't felt so annoyed about her not doing her job as a prof, since apparently she was and it was the technology that failed me.

So far...

2009-01-06T14:46:00.000-05:00

So far today I have:

put dinner in the crock pot - another experiment
baked bread
contacted financial aid services for school
contacted academic advisors to see if I can get into another class that starts Monday
talked to Bert at Bethany (more info on our adoption site)
received mail from Heidi (YAY! Thank you!)
received my next Netflix movie
received my textbook for the class I'm already in for Monday
checked in to both of my current classes
answered questions on my school research community
watched video of Kaylee WALKING (click to watch on Flickr)
scheduled an appointment with a new vet (it's at 4:00, please pray! Our last scheduled vet visit didn't go so well)
finished two puzzles on jigidi.com (flash jigsaw puzzle site)

Later today we will:

take the cats to the vet
eat the food I hopefully haven't destroyed
collapse
maybe watch a movie

Tomorrow I will (theoretically):

go to Home Depot and BabiesRUs for some final child proofing items
finish child proofing the house
do some homework
try to contact my AA again

2008 review in pictures

2009-01-02T12:33:00.000-05:00

I started out posting my 2008 review in pictures here, but then realized how much time it would take to upload a whole year's worth of stuff... and how people who read my blog might gripe if it took a while to load. So, please check the following link to my flickr account to view my "blog" post!

2008 Review in Pictures

Happy 2009 everybody!

Christmas 2.0

2008-12-30T22:06:00.000-05:00

Yesterday we drove to my folks house in the late morning, had lunch, bummed around, had Christmas dinner and opened presents. My folks gave me a largish ceramic anole lizard for the porch and the CorningWare I wanted, like this picture except all the dishes were circular instead of ovals:

Then we watched Prince Caspian, which Lanse had given me for Christmas. My parents don't go to movies, so when something good comes out we get it and then show it to them. I also just realized that they have the same number of stairs up to their bonus room as there are to the treasure room in Cair Paravel (16). Lanse says I earned some geek points with that comment.

Today we got up, hung around for a while, then mom and I went and bought shoes for me. Rack Room Shoes seems to be the best bet for me in the last few years; I got my (now broken) sandals there a year ago October, and today we walked in, found two pair that fit, bought and left. Here they are:

Every day shoes
Sunday/dressy shoes

I'm so glad the shoe debacle of '08 is finally over. Next I have to initiate the jeans debacle of '09.

So after the shoes, we came back and had lunch, I did my homework that's due tomorrow and some of what's due on Sunday, and then we headed out to Books-a-Million to meet up with our friend Marnie. YAY MARNIE! We met Marnie at college, she graduated in Lanse's class. She lives in a North-West suburb of Chicago now. We haven't seen her in a few years, and this was way too short... we only were able to stay about an hour and a half. But it was still very good to see her.

Then we got back to the house to find dinner ready and Lanse's cousin Sam arrived. Sam had Christmas in Atlanta with his folks, and is driving back to his place in Virginia, and is staying the night here. As I type, the guys are playing Fantastic Worlds, my folks are heading to bed (my poor Daddy is ill!) and we'll just be kickin' around until we crash. Oh, the joys of the holiday season!

Random thoughts...

2008-12-28T11:11:00.000-05:00

Jungle Spook

I've never understood having to memorize names of people. I talked to someone who took the teacher certification test recently and she said all you really need to know (here in SC) are the people, who defined what theory, and write a bunch of practical application essays. But seriously, how many classroom teachers are going to be in the middle of a situation in which she needs to implement a theory she learned, and finds it absolutely necessary to know whether it was Locke or Plato or Addams? Names of theorists matter squat in the classroom when you're in a position to care about educational theory in a hurry. If you don't know the techniques, you can't apply anything you've learned.

It is December 28, and it's 72 degrees. I'm on the porch with my laptop, sitting on my chaise lounge with Spook, and my right arm is starting to sunburn. I really wish I could get used to this, but I just can't seem to manage yet.

Fireplace logs, of the pressed rectangle clean-burning kind, are fun because they're fast and easy, but is still missing the same elements we find missing in a gas fire: no crackle, no chasing down the embers that spit out onto the carpet, no pile of writhing coals to watch, no wood smoke smell. However, it also doesn't have the release of molds and allergens into the house or the potential to burn down the house quite as easily. I'm trying to decide if it's an acceptable compromise in light of those things.

I don't know if I ever mentioned, but the corn casserole worked great in the crock pot! I also had to make up my own green bean casserole recipe, since the can of mushroom soup was nasty. I think in the end it tasted great.

I hate shoes. And jeans. Above all, I hate popular fashion. The one pair of shoes whose shape looked like they really might have worked, I didn't even try on since someone in production had decided that plastering them with plastic Miley Cyrus faces was a good idea.

No news on the adoption front yet. Still haven't gotten a call for inspection scheduling. I emailed Bert yesterday and we'll see if she can't start making some waves.

My brother came down with Mono and stayed in bed over Christmas. At the same time, Kaylee got some sort of fungal infection rash all over her body that he calls Jungle Rot, and so far the only thing that's helping her feel better is smearing her with athlete's foot cream. But at least they're both on the mend now.

Lanse is wonderful. I had a rotten section of the day yesterday (note shoe comments), and he brought me food and built a fire for me and snuggled me and did all kinds of lovely things. I figured he was just concerned about my mood yesterday, but then he brought me coffee this morning. He's apparently just an all-around great guy.

I had a dream in which we were exploring a house we bought and lived in but somehow hadn't looked at it all yet. That was one really rockin' house. I should try to draw it. I miss my architecture program; it got lost in the move and now the company doesn't make it anymore, and doesn't even make a program that runs the file type, so now I have a couple thousand floor plans I can never look at. *sniff*

I have a paper and a discussion post to write today. I also have to have read the stuff about which I must discuss. Bah.

Finally, for your viewing enjoyment, Colin plays with the jingle mouse toy. It's a fuzzy, now really-beat-up toy mouse around whose tail we've tied a blue jingle bell. They all love it in turns. This is a wmv file, I don't know what you need to make it work. It's maybe two minutes long, I'm not sure. I hope you can see it... the back flip at the beginning is rather impressive.

The flames of love...

2008-12-27T23:11:00.000-05:00

We have lived in this house for a year and three months and had not yet used the fireplace. Having been given instructions by a home inspector on fire burning in a pre-fab wood fireplace and finding a large box of starter logs and two long-burning fireplace logs, we finally did the deed!

Our first fire!

Lanse gets it started and then basks in the glow.

The starter brick went pretty quickly-ish, but the fireplace log burned for two and a half hours. It really didn't drop any ashes until Lanse came to shuffle it around as it was dying out and it collapsed. The flames were really neat, so I had some camera fun. It's a fire Rorschach test! I labeled with mine (and, in one place, Lanse's, I'm sure you'll never guess which one); feel free to leave a comment on what you see. (I hope it's large enough to read... click to get more details)

After lots of snuggling and some hot cooca, the fire started dying out and we had some fun with embers:

After a severely depressing late afternoon, this was simply the best ending to any day I've had for a while. Thanks, Love, for catering to my fire whims.